Thoughts From the Dark

Long time....

2006-10-10T13:36:00.000-06:00

It has been a rather long time since I've posted on this site.
I don't like re-typing everything, so if you want a brief overview of my life and what's been happening, go to:
www.xanga.com/lrdvampyre

I may be posting here again...we'll see

Till next time, take care and be good

A Week Since GAMA

2006-03-24T13:40:00.000-07:00

So...last week I went down to Vegas for a GAMA convention. GAMA's the organization that's responsible for the Origin Convention...anyway, this was more of a "get game store owners/operators" together and discuss how to run a gaming store successfully convention.

I learned a few things...should I ever be so inclined as to start up my own store. But that's not going to happen any time soon. So, other than the seminars, seeing some of the new games coming out was also quite interesting...I wasn't keen on some of the sales pitches some of the manufacturers/publishers were giving.

All in all, I had a good time, though I did learn a few things that I know I would do different should I go down next year:
1. I will get my own room
2. Along with getting my own room, I will also make reservations that will start the day before and go to the day after

That's about it really. I'm going to try posting more...just been a little tired from the hectic schedule of the convention and then getting back into work.

Talk to you all later.

Another Test

2006-02-23T13:54:00.000-07:00

Seeing this on a friend's blog, I just had to try it...

Smart Paladin
62% Combativeness, 16% Sneakiness, 82% Intellect, 69% Spirituality

Valorous! Noble! Or possibly just a self-righteous jerk (but with the brains to keep you alive!)... You are a Smart Paladin!
Paladins are holy warriors. They are valorous defenders of the light. Unfortunately, most of them are so ardent in their defense they tend to meet sticky ends faster than you can say "rampaging red dragon." Many people look up to Paladins, while others just consider them stuck up, overbearing, or self-righteous.
Fortunately for you, unlike most Paladins, you're pretty smart. Which means that you're more likely to fall into the "admired" category, rather than the "obnoxious" or "dead" categories.
Much like the crusades, you manage to combine violence and religion, though unlike the crusades, you add a healthy does of intelligence. You may be a staunch defender of the faith, a valorous champion of the weak, or the stuff that jihads are made of. Which ever one you are, just be happy that you’ve got the smarts to back it up and make it work.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 60% on Combativeness

You scored higher than 8% on Sneakiness

You scored higher than 76% on Intellect

You scored higher than 91% on Spirituality

Link: The RPG Class Test written by MFlowers on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Vegas

2006-02-22T13:53:00.000-07:00

So...I'm going to be heading down to Las Vegas in a couple of weeks for a convention. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm also feeling a little uneasy. Most likely because this is something that I haven't done before and I'm always a little uncomfortable when going into something unfamiliar to me.

Though, I think that's just a part of human nature actually. We tend to be a bit more defensive when not in our element...generally speaking. Some people don't ever appear that way, but I don't understand them. Mind you, I don't really understand human interaction itself...maybe I'm a little too practical (or just a bit too shy), but all the games we play, all the half-truths and blatant lies...I would like to think that life would be much easier if we could all just drop these pretenses and deal openly and honestly with one another. That's what I would like...but that would be an ideal world where respect and understanding would be the rule of the day.

Yet, even if we would only drop the facade for a little while with our loved ones and friends, maybe that would be a start to something...better? I would have to change a lot of my instinctive behaviours...I got really good at erecting different facades that sometimes I wonder who I really am. Even now, I know I behaviour differently when in different groups of people. Is this the way we are supposed to behave? Or is it just a result of social conditioning over the ages...Is there anything wrong with this type of behaviour? Am I just that oblivious to social interactions? I don't think I am...at least insofar as being able to not offend those around me when I'm with people...but I still feel like I'm missing something...not understanding something about social interaction.

Oh well...those are just some of the thoughts going through my head as I head back to work...
Talk to you later

Personalities

2006-02-16T13:12:00.000-07:00

Okay...time to fall into the bandwagon of online personality-typing....

Here's the Dark: The Dark Side

Here's the Light: The Not So Dark Side

Go on, you know you want to...just click on either link, or both...

Falling Behind

2006-02-14T13:18:00.000-07:00

Man, I'm slipping in keeping up on posting...then again, I don't like posting when I don't have anything to say.

I thought about ranting about Valentine's Day, but decided not to. I've already done that and really, right now the only thing that irks me about the day is the rampant commercialization of the day...and the pressure that is put onto the guys to get something for the girls.

So, really nothing much has changed in my life lately...still at the same job, still doing pretty much the same things I've been doing for the last while. I'm in the process of getting over a cold...nasty one, but the worst has come and gone. I just have to deal with the plugged nose.

I am a bit depressed about the lack of love-life that I have...yet I'm resigned to that fact for the time being. Outside of gaming, I really don't do much and I'm not interested in going to a meat market...err, I mean nightclub or bar to find someone. I think I'm doing okay without being in a relationship...I'm just getting sick and tired of seeing everyone I know pair up...oh well, not much I can do. I am happy for them...I just rather wish I didn't have to see overt displays of affections and the like. Anyway...

I'm looking forward to taking a trip down to Vegas next month...going to a convention. First time I've done this sort of thing. It'll be interesting, I think.

So, other than the slight irritation I have at the exploitation of the heart that is known as Valentine's Day, and the tiredness of being ill, I'm doing pretty good.

Post-Election

2006-01-24T13:50:00.000-07:00

Is it just me, or are people sore losers? First, Paul Martin quits as party leader when his party leaves, and then I see comments from people I would call friends laying waste to those who may have voted Conservative.

Personally, I am offended by comments that say those who voted Conservative are idiots, farmers, and oil industry workers. I am none of those...I would like to think that I am well educated, and I neither work in or on a farm nor do I have any ties to the oil industry...except for the fact that I buy gas for my car even 2 1/2 weeks. I would really like it if these people would take a moment and think about what they are going to say before just laying waste with their comments. We live in a free country where we are allowed to have our own opinions and thoughts about anything and everything. I would like to think that I haven't gone around throwing muck on those who are Liberals, or exteremists in any party so why must these people feel the need to be so crass about other people?

The unfortunate thing is, when they make these comments they have the following effects:
1. They get people upset and angry at them and their political inclinations...debate is one thing, but name-calling and insult-hurling is something else entirely
2. Their comments have the side-effect of swaying other people's opinions for good or ill. These comments are distorted over time and soon you have people who are just willing to believe that all Conservatives are red-neck, third cousin marrying, illeterate hillbillies (no offense intended to those hillbillies out there who might read this)

There are other socio-political rammifications I'm sure, but those two are the ones that I know of. It just saddens me that people I know and consider friends can come across as very ignorant s.o.b.'s

Anyway, I don't want to dwell on this too much...there are more important things to life than petty arguements and disagreements of opinions.

My Greatest Weakness

2006-01-23T13:34:00.000-07:00

My greatest weakness, flaw, vice, character flaw (the list can go on and on) is one simple little thing really: Lust.

Now, I may have talked about this in the past, and I apologize, but things have come to pass in my life that have brought me back to this topic. Now, all people experience lust in the lives, some more than others. To a certain degree, I can say that it is the over-riding thought in the back of my head. Lust permeates my thoughts, my dreams, and even the things I write and role-play.

Is lust evil? It is called one of the 7 deadly sins...but I think it would be naive to just say that lust is bad. Lust unchecked is definitely bad. But can a little bit of lust actually be good for a person?

I don't have the answer to that question, though I would really like to know it as I am wracked with guilt about how much I do tend to lust. Fortunately, I'm also a person who tends to respect others, and thinks more about other people than about myself. This makes me less incline to indulge my lust at the expense of other people. I also have a tendency to sit and watch people so again, I am less likely to offend/hurt someone with selfish behaviour. At least, that's what I'd like to believe. Who knows? Maybe I am an asshole at the core and I've just covered it up really well.

That's another thing that does worry me somewhat. I still know what I believe and I am pretty sure I still know who I am, but there are times where I look in the mirror and have to wonder if I truly know who I am. That's something that does scare me...along with a whole host of things related to letting go or losing control of my emotions/feelings. I have a deep-seated need to remain in control of myself, I'm not sure why or where this came from, but it is there and in many ways, I am glad. Yet, on the other hand, this feeling has also prevented me from taking risks in the past and will continue to do so in the years ahead. It is this feeling of needing to stay in control that has me wondering if I am who I am...have I buried the real me under controls and checks so that now I have to weigh everything before doing something...is that truly me?

My fear of conflict is also cause for concern...I dislike getting into arguments with people I care about...I dislike also the feeling that I should be telling some people the truth about certain behaviours or practices that I can't tolerate, but I don't cause I wonder if perhaps I'm also guilty of doing things that are offensive to those around me. I dislike being pulled in two directions and am having a hard time finding the straight path.

I'm not a perfect person and I'd like to think that I've never come across as thinking myself as such. I'm flawed, I have my problems; emotional, mental, and physical. I find myself drawing within myself more and I don't think this is a good thing. I know I have issues dealing with people on an intimate level; I don't know the game let alone the rules of human interaction and I wonder if perhaps it is too late to learn? There are many things I wonder, many things that I have started to question and in questioning I wonder if I should stop questioning? I hope that makes some sense to someone...

I miss the friends I don't see a lot of anymore...specifically Raven. Others I miss as well...I hope that perhaps I might find the time and the commitment to actually doing something about that...

Anyway, this is starting to ramble. Talk to you all later.

Voting and Other Stuff

2006-01-23T13:25:00.000-07:00

I'm going to keep most of my opinions about the various candidates to myself...I hate politics and I dislike the affect it has on the people I know. I dislike reading about how being Conservative is akin to being some detestable low-life scum, so I'm not going to get into all of the mud-flinging or name-calling that politicians and everyone else seems to do now adays.

All I have to say is, do you honestly think the Liberals are going to clean up their act and actually do something to better our lives in our own country? I don't and I'm not going to vote Liberal. I have my own ideals and beliefs and unfortunately, I cannot abide by the current government nor can I really say I support any of the other candidates 100%. What I can say is that there is one party that comes the closest to my own views and so I will be voting that way. Call me what you will, but I'm comfortable in my own views. I'd just wish everyone else would pay a little more heed to that when they spout off about politics and people who follow one party over another.

There is a whole host of things that I want to talk about, but there are just so many thoughts going through my head right now that I'm having a hard time of getting what I want out in a concrete and meaningful way. I'm working through it, but in some ways, it does feel a bit overwhelming. However, the more I write this, the more I start getting a clear line as to what I want to talk about. This is a good thing...expect another post to follow shortly.

Anyway, take care and see you all later.

Here We Go Again

2006-01-13T13:17:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've fallen a little off stride in terms of posting. Just so many other things that I'm trying to do that I either keep putting it off or forgetting about it.

Let's see, my insurance covered the rest of the repairs to my car so I have a working A/C again. The CD player is having issues accepting CDs, but I'm not too put out about that at the moment. I'll likely be replacing it anyway with another unit along with a security system. I'm still a little uncomfortable in my car, but the feeling has lessened somewhat.

I still would like to find the person responsible and teach them a lesson in showing respect for other people's property...the lesson would be reinforced with the liberal application of a baseball bat, but that's just the anger in me at the thoughtless disrespect that is going on in the world today.

Other than that, I'm floating in and out of depression again...again centered on relationships. Seems more people I know are getting married now and it's just one of those things that lingers in the back of my head. I try not to let it get to me, but it does. Ah well, we'll see how this year goes.

Not much of a post, but then again, I'm not doing a whole lot right now. Take care and I'll talk to you later.

New Year

2006-01-02T13:12:00.000-07:00

Okay, where to begin....
My vacation was good, though there was a slight hiccup on my first day off. Sitting at my computer, the phone rings and it's my supervisor calling to let me know that my co-worker just quit and wanting to know if I could come into work on Monday. I went into work, and everything got sorted out and I went back on vacation on Tuesday. The one thing that did get worked out due to this whole situation is that I no longer have to do the 5:30 AM shift. I'm now on 9-6 shift permanently (or as permanently as anything can be).

So, after that little wrinkle, the rest of my vacation went pretty well...till Friday, December 30. Again, I was sitting at my computer when my roommate's dog started barking and wouldn't stop...this meant that there was someone at the door. Getting up, I found one of my neighbours standing at the door...he was there to let me know that the passanger window on my car had been smashed in.

To say that I felt devestated would be an understatement...violated and cheapened were how I felt and confused. I called the cops after taking a look. They've started a file, but the fact that no one showed up to take a look or whatever just makes me more sour about the whole thing. Anyway, on Saturday, I tried cleaning up most of the shattered glass, only to find that whomever it was had also ripped out the interior light and had attempted to pull out the stereo deck. After that, I just had to walk away from my car. This morning, when I went into work, cold air blowing in the wide open window, I found that the A/C no longer worked...no air was blowing out as a result of the attempt to remove the stereo. So, I'm looking at having to replace a window, an interior light, the heater repaired, and because the fucker(s) was totally incompetent, I am going to have to replace the stereo as well. Asshole! On top of that, I am going to be putting in a car alarm system. Add to all this the fact that I now feel totally insecure about my car and almost feel as though the car is no longer mine...let's just say my year is off to a great start (especially seeing how all the garages seem to be closed on Monday, I have to wait another day before I can get anything fixed).

I can't believe the lack of respect towards other people that exists in our society today. It sickens me. The only thing I want to do right now is find the fuckers and take a lead pipe to their kneecaps and see how they like it. Maybe get some blow-torches involved...anyway, I'm still pissed and upset about the whole thing.

Other than that....I've gotten myself CSI season 5 and have started watching the episodes. I've also picked up the Rush 30th Birthday DVD/CD collection. I've watched the first few songs and totally enjoy it. I've spent most of my time playing WoW...I finally have a character that's beyond 40th level...my previous high had been 32nd.

Anyway, I hope to post more often now especially now that I am back to a regular work/social life.
Till next we meet....

Hi

2005-12-08T10:36:00.000-07:00

This is mostly just to let those who do read/check this blog that I am still around and I still have plans to keep posting. Just with everything that has been going on at work, I've not really been able to focus my thoughts on what exactly it is that I want to say.

Anyway, there is some good news for me...I'll be on vacation soon. The 15th is my last day and then I can rest and recuperate till I have to go back to work on Jan 2nd. I have no plans to go anywhere...mostly just veg out and unwind myself mentally and emotionally.

I'll talk to you all in the near future, I'm sure.

Numb

2005-11-24T18:35:00.000-07:00

On Monday of this week, we (at work) received some tragic news: one of our co-workers died in a car accident on the weekend. A bit later, more details were given...it was a single vehicle accident (a roll-over from what the newspaper said). He was driving back from the country with his wife and two children. His wife suffered minor wounds and the children were unhurt...those are all the details that I know at this time.

I didn't know him well...he was a supervisor of a different department, but just listening to everyone else talk about him I'm left wondering why him? He had a loving wife, close family, two children, and he was a great and caring guy. He was also only 30 years old...the same age I am. He had everything going for him, then to have this happen.

I believe everything happens for a reason, but I'm having a hard time trying to reconcile his death. Also, in a way, his death evoked memories of my dad's death (though my dad died from a an incurable disease that causes muscles to deteriorate...Lou Gehrig's disease (though I think I misspelled that)). I don't think I've fully come to terms with that death and that happened years ago and now I'm just very numb.

I can feel the turmoil in my chest and pit of my stomach and I know I should just let it out, but I'm too entrenched in this whole concept of keeping everything in check...to just hold back and not let anything over-come my sense of control and so I don't feel anything but numbness now. I want to let it all out, but I don't know how to...or rather maybe I'm scared to let others see a weakness, an instability in me. I have this need to be a rock...then again, I don't really have anyone who I can be a rock for. Which brings me to other thoughts I've had given this recent tragedy.

I realize that I have a lot of close friends, but (at the risk of sounding melodramatic), my life really isn't going anywhere at this time. I feel like I'm in limbo and don't know how to fix it...so I ask myself why couldn't it have been me instead of my co-worker. He enjoyed life, had a loving wife and all of that and so much to look forward to...I, not so much.

Another thing I have seen in me is that I feel like some kind of emotional parasite...I can't feel anything so I need to be around others to feed off of their emotions. This may not be a true or accurate portrayal of what is happening, but that is what I see and it sickens me. In a way it's like I don't know how to feel so need to be around others to observe and take my cues from...how sick is that? I sit there watching other people's reaction like some alien trying to understand human nature. Have I always been like this? I don't know...I doubt it, but right now I really don't know.

I feel like some kind of zombie going through the motions of mimicking a living person...

I look at what I've just written and have to wonder about who I really am. I hate self-loathing, it only feeds itself and nothing gets fixed, yet I look at what I think and write sometimes and see a "oh-woe-is-me", selfish little asshole...which I don't want to be and don't think I am.

Now, I think I'm just starting to ramble and not making much sense...or I think this is about as much as I can write at this time.

I apologize

Apathetic

2005-11-21T14:12:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling...a touch apathetic for the last couple of weeks. Partially it's from stressing out at work and the rest...well, even though we haven't gotten any snow here, I tend to get a little down come winter as is. Seasonal depression they call it...I don't know if I am actually subject to this disorder, but it would explain things.

Anyway, I haven't been feeling inspired or in the right mood to actually post anything the last while. I am going to address that, hopefully as I have many unfinished thoughts to tie up and other topics to explore.

I've got to go, so hopefully, you'll be hearing from me in the near future.

All Hallow's Eve

2005-10-31T10:21:00.000-07:00

I had considered trying to write something appropriate for the theme associated with the day, but I find myself somewhat uninspired...or uncertain of what to write about. Admittedly, with all that is going on in the world today, the need for spooky stories seem to be a thing of the past. Oh well.

The one thing I always find odd about Hallowe'en, is that I really want to run/play a horror game, be it Ravenloft, Vampire, or something along those lines. Unfortunately, no one else seems to be in the mood to do anything like that. *Sigh* I don't know why, it is just something that I really would like to do...a one off game of fright and horror....

That's one thing I don't like about horror movies...Hollywood has this fixation about horror equalling blood and body count. That isn't horror in my opinion...that's just gore and shock. Mind you, I am kind of a wimp when it comes to scary things...I don't like the feeling of being frightened, problably because I don't like the thought that something outside of my control is manipulating the way I feel about the situation. I am a control freak in that sense...I have to have complete control over my own emotions/feelings/reactions to a situation that I tend to avoid situations where I am likely to lose that control. I think I've gotten a little better about the whole thing...I've loosened up a bit in the last few years, but I still have a long way to go before I can take risks.

On another note, today is my last day of waking up at 3:40 AM...tomorrow I'm back doing 9 to 6 at work. That'll be nice. Until December comes along...though I've taken from December 16th till the end of the month off of work. Time to spend on my own and collect my thoughts and feelings. This will be the first time I've taken time off in December in a long time...and it will be worth it.

In other news, I've picked up and watched the first season of CSI:NY. I like it alot, more than CSI:Miami, but the first series, CSI, is still better. I also watched Batman Begins...very cool movie that does the Batman ethos good. I hope they continue on this path.

What else...oh, I think I've fixed the problem my computer was having when running World of Warcraft. For some reason, my computer would just reboot itself after a random period of time when I was in the game. It was frustrating to say the least. Anyway, last night, I managed to get a full 5 hours of uninterrupted game play...I haven't ever had that much time before. What did I do? Well, I went into the BIOS yesterday and took a look at the settings for the video adapter...I always thought the issue would come down to something about the video card. Anyway, the adapter was set to work as a PCI slot...which is wrong as the card is AGP. So I changed that setting, slowed another setting down and increased another setting (I didn't really pay attention to the setting names...at that point I was willing to do anything as I had already gone through 8 reboots in the course of 2 hours). I saved the settings, rebooted and went in, and no issue. I'll have a better idea in the next couple of days, but I think I have fixed it...now if I had only bothered to look there in the first place.

Speaking of World of Warcraft, I saw another online game that I'm trying to decide whether or not to pick up. A little while ago, a game came out called City of Heroes where you played a super hero in a city. Well, the company that realised that has put out a game called City of Villains, where you play a villain and go up against the heroes. It looks like fun and if I continue to have problems with WoW, I might try this game. The only problem I have is the premise of the game: you are a super villain. You do bad stuff. I'm not sure I can endorse a game that does this...but on the flip side, I am tired of being the 'good' guy all the time. I want to do something a little bit different...I just don't know if this is the thing.

Anyway, that is pretty much it for now. I will be getting back to my project soon as I still have some more I want to talk about in regards to pornography and a whole host of related concepts.

Take care and have a safe Hallowe'en.

From the Darkness Pt. 9

2005-10-28T10:25:00.000-06:00

I came across the following article the other day. I warn you now, it is rather long, but is a good read.
As a note, I do not necessarily agree with all the points made in this article

Greetings from Idiot America by Charles Pierce

Greetings from Idiot America
CREATIONISM. INTELLIGENT DESIGN. FAITH-BASED THIS. TRUST-YOUR-GUT THAT. THERE'S NEVER BEEN A BETTER TIME TO ESPOUSE, PROFIT FROM, AND BELIEVE IN UTTER, UNADULTERATED CRAP. AND THE CRAP IS RISING SO HIGH, IT'S GETTING DANGEROUS.

by Charles P. Pierce Nov 01 '05

There is some undeniable art—you might even say design—in the way southern Ohio rolls itself into northern Kentucky. The hills build gently under you as you leave the interstate. The roads narrow beneath a cool and thickening canopy as they wind through the leafy outer precincts of Hebron—a small Kentucky town named, as it happens, for the place near Jerusalem where the Bible tells us that David was anointed the king of the Israelites. This resulted in great literature and no little bloodshed, which is the case with a great deal of Scripture.

At the top of the hill, just past the Idlewild Concrete plant, there is an unfinished wall with an unfinished gate in the middle of it. Happy, smiling people are trickling in through the gate this fine morning, one minivan at a time. They park in whatever shade they can find, which is not much. It's hot as hell this morning.

They are almost uniformly white and almost uniformly bubbly. Their cars come from Kentucky and Tennessee and Ohio and Illinois and as far away as New Brunswick, Canada. There are elderly couples in shorts, suburban families piling out of the minivans, the children all Wrinkle-Resistant and Stain-Released.

There is a clutch of Mennonite women in traditional dress—small bonnets and long skirts. All of them wander off, chattering and waving and stopping every few steps for pictures, toward a low-slung building that seems from the outside to be the most finished part of the complex.

Outside, several of them stop to be interviewed by a video crew. They have come from Indiana, one woman says, two toddlers toddling at her feet, because they have been home-schooling their children and they have given them this adventure as a kind of field trip. The whole group then bustles into the lobby of the building, where they are greeted by the long neck of a huge, herbivorous dinosaur. The kids run past that and around a corner, where stands another, smaller dinosaur.

Which is wearing a saddle.

It is an English saddle, hornless and battered. Apparently, this was a dinosaur used for dressage competitions and stakes races. Any working dinosaur accustomed to the rigors of ranch work and herding other dinosaurs along the dusty trail almost certainly would wear a sturdy western saddle.

This is very much a show dinosaur. The dinosaurs are the first things you see when you enter the Creation Museum, which is very much a work in progress and the dream child of an Australian named Ken Ham. Ham is the founder of Answers in Genesis, an organization of which the museum one day will be the headquarters. The people here today are on a special tour. They have paid $149 to become "charter members" of the museum.

"Dinosaurs," Ham laughs as he poses for pictures with his visitors, "always get the kids interested."

AIG is dedicated to the proposition that the biblical story of the creation of the world is inerrant in every word. Which means, in this interpretation and among other things, that dinosaurs coexisted with man (hence the saddles), that there were dinosaurs in Eden, and that Noah, who certainly had enough on his hands, had to load two brachiosaurs onto the Ark along with his wife, his sons, and their wives, to say nothing of green ally-gators and long-necked geese and humpty-backed camels and all the rest. (Faced with the obvious question of how to keep a three-hundred-by-thirty-by-fifty-cubit ark from sinking under the weight of dinosaur couples, Ham's literature argues that the dinosaurs on the Ark were young ones, and thus did not weigh as much as they might have.)

"We," Ham exclaims to the assembled, "are taking the dinosaurs back from the evolutionists!" And everybody cheers. Ham then goes on to celebrate the great victory won in Oklahoma, where, in the first week of June, Tulsa park officials announced a decision (later reversed) to put up a display at the city zoo based on Genesis so as to eliminate the "discrimination" long inflicted upon sensitive Christians by a statue of the Hindu god Ganesh that decorated the elephant exhibit.

This is a serious crowd. They gather in the auditorium and they listen intently, and they take copious notes as Ham draws a straight line from Adam's fall to our godless public schools, from Darwin to gay marriage. He talks about the triumph over Ganesh, and everybody cheers again.

Ultimately, the heart of the museum will be a long walkway down which patrons will be able to journey through the entire creation story. This, too, is still in the earliest stages of construction. Today, for example, one young artist is working on a scale model of the moment when Adam names all the creatures.

Adam is in the delicate process of naming the saber-toothed tiger while, behind him, already named, a woolly mammoth seems to be on the verge of taking a nap.

Elsewhere in the museum, another Adam figure is full-size, if unpainted, and waiting to be installed. This Adam is reclining peacefully; eventually, if the plans stay true, he will be placed in a pool under a waterfall. As the figure depicts a prelapsarian Adam, he is completely naked. He also has no penis.

This would seem to be a departure from Scripture inconsistent with the biblical literalism of the rest of the museum. If you're willing to stretch Job's description of a "behemoth" to include baby brachiosaurs on Noah's Ark, as Ham does in his lectures, then surely, since we are depicting him before the fall, Adam should be out there waving unashamedly in the paradisaical breezes. For that matter, what is Eve doing there, across the room, with her hair falling just so to cover her breasts and midsection, as though she's doing a nude scene from some 1950s Swedish art-house film?

After all, Genesis 2:25 clearly says that at this point in their lives, "And the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed." If Adam courageously sat there unencumbered while he was naming saber-toothed tigers, then why, six thousand years later, should he be depicted as a eunuch in some family-values Eden? And if these people can take away what Scripture says was rightfully his, then why can't Charles Darwin and the accumulated science of the past 150-odd years take away all the rest of it?

These are impolite questions. Nobody asks them here by the cool pond tucked into a gentle hillside. Increasingly, nobody asks them outside the gates, either.

It is impolite to wonder why our parents sent us all to college, and why generations of immigrants sweated and bled so their children could be educated, if it wasn't so that we would all one day feel confident enough to look at a museum filled with dinosaurs rigged to run six furlongs at Belmont and make the not unreasonable point that it is all **** crazy and that anyone who believes this righteous hooey should be kept away from sharp objects and his own money.

Dinosaurs with saddles?
Dinosaurs on Noah's Ark?
Welcome to your new Eden.
Welcome to Idiot America.

LET'S TAKE A TOUR, shall we? For the sake of time, we'll just cover the last year or so. A federally funded abstinence program suggests that HIV can be transmitted through tears. An Alabama legislator proposes a bill to ban all books by gay authors. The Texas House passes a bill banning suggestive cheerleading. And nobody laughs at any of it, or even points out that, in the latter case, having Texas ban suggestive cheerleading is like having Nebraska ban corn. James Dobson, a prominent conservative Christian spokesman, compares the Supreme Court to the Ku Klux Klan. Pat Robertson, another prominent conservative preacher, says that federal judges are a more serious threat to the country than is Al Qaeda and, apparently taking his text from the Book of Gambino, later sermonizes that the United States should get with it and snuff the democratically elected president of Venezuela.

The Congress of the United States intervenes to extend into a televised spectacle the prolonged death of a woman in Florida. The majority leader of the Senate, a physician, pronounces a diagnosis based on heavily edited videotape. The majority leader of the House of Representatives argues against cutting-edge research into the use of human stem cells by saying that "an embryo is a person. . . . We were all at one time embryos ourselves. So was Abraham. So was Muhammad. So was Jesus of Nazareth." Nobody laughs at him or points out that the same could be said of Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, or whoever invented the baby-back rib.

And, finally, in August, the cover of Time —for almost a century the dyspeptic voice of the American establishment—clears its throat, hems and haws and hacks like a headmaster gagging on his sherry, and asks, quite seriously: "Does God have a place in science class?"

Fights over evolution—and its faddish new camouflage, intelligent design, a pseudoscience that posits without proof or method that science is inadequate to explain existence and that supernatural causes must be considered—roil up school districts across the country. The president of the United States announces that he believes ID ought to be taught in the public schools on an equal footing with the theory of evolution. And in Dover, Pennsylvania, during one of these many controversies, a pastor named Ray Mummert delivers the line that both ends our tour and, in every real sense, sums it up:

"We've been attacked," he says, "by the intelligent, educated segment of the culture."

And there it is.

Idiot America is not the place where people say silly things. It's not the place where people believe in silly things. It is not the place where people go to profit from the fact that people believe in silly things. Idiot America is not even those people who believe that Adam named the dinosaurs. Those people pay attention. They take notes. They take the time and the considerable mental effort to construct a worldview that is round and complete.

The rise of Idiot America is essentially a war on expertise. It's not so much antimodernism or the distrust of intellectual elites that Richard Hofstadter deftly teased out of the national DNA forty years ago. Both of those things are part of it. However, the rise of Idiot America today represents—for profit mainly, but also, and more cynically, for political advantage and in the pursuit of power—the breakdown of a consensus that the pursuit of knowledge is a good. It also represents the ascendancy of the notion that the people whom we should trust the least are the people who best know what they're talking about.

In the new media age, everybody is a historian, or a preacher, or a scientist, or a sage. And if everyone is an expert, then nobody is, and the worst thing you can be in a society where everybody is an expert is, well, an actual expert.

In the place of expertise, we have elevated the Gut, and the Gut is a moron, as anyone who has ever tossed a golf club, punched a wall, or kicked an errant lawn mower knows. We occasionally dress up the Gut by calling it "common sense." The president's former advisor on medical ethics regularly refers to the "yuck factor." The Gut is common. It is democratic. It is the roiling repository of dark and ancient fears. Worst of all, the Gut is faith-based.

It's a dishonest phrase for a dishonest time, "faith-based," a cheap huckster's phony term of art. It sounds like an additive, an artificial flavoring to make crude biases taste of bread and wine. It's a word for people without the courage to say they are religious, and it is beloved not only by politicians too cowardly to debate something as substantial as faith but also by Idiot America, which is too lazy to do it.

After all, faith is about the heart and soul and about transcendence. Anything calling itself faith-based is admitting that it is secular and profane. In the way that it relies on the Gut to determine its science, its politics, and even the way it sends its people to war, Idiot America is not a country of faith; it's a faith-based country, fashioning itself in the world, which is not the place where faith is best fashioned.

Hofstadter saw this one coming. "Intellect is pitted against feeling," he wrote, "on the ground that it is somehow inconsistent with warm emotion. It is pitted against character, because it is widely believed that intellect stands for mere cleverness, which transmutes easily into the sly or the diabolical."

The Gut is the basis for the Great Premises of Idiot America. We hold these truths to be self-evident:
1) Any theory is valid if it sells books, soaks up ratings, or otherwise moves units.
2) Anything can be true if somebody says it on television.
3) Fact is that which enough people believe. Truth is determined by how fervently they believe it.

How does it work? This is how it works. On August 21, a newspaper account of the "intelligent design" movement contained this remarkable sentence: "They have mounted a politically savvy challenge to evolution as the bedrock of modern biology, propelling a fringe academic movement onto the front pages and putting Darwin's defenders firmly on the defensive."

A "politically savvy challenge to evolution" is as self-evidently ridiculous as an agriculturally savvy challenge to euclidean geometry would be. It makes as much sense as conducting a Gallup poll on gravity or running someone for president on the Alchemy Party ticket. It doesn't matter what percentage of people believe they ought to be able to flap their arms and fly, none of them can. It doesn't matter how many votes your candidate got, he's not going to turn lead into gold. The sentence is so arrantly foolish that the only real news in it is where it appeared.

On the front page. Of The New York Times .

Within three days, there was a panel on the subject on Larry King Live, in which Larry asked the following question:

"All right, hold on. Dr. Forrest, your concept of how can you out-and-out turn down creationism, since if evolution is true, why are there still monkeys?"

And why do so many of them host television programs, Larry?

This is how Idiot America engages the great issues of the day. It decides, en masse, with a thousand keystrokes and clicks of the remote control, that because there are two sides to every question, they both must be right, or at least not wrong. And the poor biologist's words carry no more weight than the thunderations of some turkey-neck preacher out of the Church of Christ's Own Parking Facility in DeLand, Florida. Less weight, in fact, because our scientist is an "expert" and, therefore, an "elitist." Nobody buys his books. Nobody puts him on cable. He's brilliant, surely, but his Gut's the same as ours. He just ignores it, poor fool.

This is a great country, in no small part because it is the best country ever devised in which to be a public crank. Never has a nation so dedicated itself to the proposition that not only should its people hold nutty ideas but they should cultivate them, treasure them, shine them up, and put them right there on the mantelpiece. This is still the best country ever in which to peddle complete public lunacy. The right to do so is there in our founding documents. After all, the Founders were men of the Enlightenment, fashioning a country out of new ideas—or out of old ones that they excavated from centuries of religious internment. Historian Charles Freeman points out that in Europe, "Christian thought . . . often gave irrationality the status of a universal 'truth' to the exclusion of those truths to be found through reason. So the uneducated was preferred to the educated, and the miracle to the operation of natural laws."

In America, the Founders were trying to get away from all that, to raise a nation of educated people. In pledging their faith to intellectual experimentation, however, the Founders set freedom free. They devised the best country ever in which to be completely around the bend. It's just that making a respectable living out of it used to be harder work.

THEY CALL IT THE INFINITE CORRIDOR, which is the kind of joke you tell when your day job is to throw science as far ahead as you can and hope that the rest of us can move fast enough to catch up. It is a series of connecting hallways that run north through the campus of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

The hallways are lined with cramped offices, their doors mottled thickly with old tape and yellowing handbills. The Infinite Corridor is not a straight line.

It has branches and tributaries. It has backwaters and eddies. You can get lost there.

One of the offices belongs to Professor Kip Hodges, a young and energetic North Carolinian who studies how mountain ranges develop and grow. Suffice it to say that Hodges's data do not correspond to the six-thousand-year-old earth of the creationists, whereupon dinosaurs and naked folks doth gambol together.

Hodges is recently returned from Nepal, where he rescued his research from encroaching Maoist rebels, who were not interested in the least in how the Himalayas became the Himalayas. They were interested in land, in guns, in power, and in other things of the Gut. Moreover, part of Hodges's duties at MIT has been to mentor incoming freshmen about making careers in science for themselves.

"Scientists are always portrayed in the literature as being above the fray intellectually," Hodges says. "I guess to a certain extent that's our fault, because scientists don't do a good enough job communicating with people who are nonscientists—that it's not a matter of brainiacs doing one thing and nonbrainiacs doing another."

Americans of a certain age grew up with science the way an earlier generation grew up with baseball and even earlier ones grew up with politics and religion.

America cured diseases. It put men on the moon. It thought its way ahead in the cold war and stayed there.

"My earliest memory," Hodges recalls, "is watching John Glenn go up. It was a time that, if you were involved in science or engineering—particularly science, at that time—people greatly respected you if you said you were going into those fields. And nowadays, it's like there's no value placed by society on a lot of the observations that are made by people in science.

"It's more than a general dumbing down of America—the lack of self-motivated thinking: clear, creative thinking. It's like you're happy for other people to think for you. If you should be worried about, say, global warming, well, somebody in Washington will tell me whether or not I should be worried about global warming. So it's like this abdication of intellectual responsibility—that America now is getting to the point that more and more people would just love to let somebody else think for them."

The country was founded by people who were fundamentally curious; Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin, to name only the most obvious examples, were inveterate tinkerers. (Before dispatching Lewis and Clark into the Louisiana Territory, Jefferson insisted that the pair categorize as many new plant and animal species as they found. Considering they were also mapping everything from Missouri to Oregon, this must have been a considerable pain in the canoe.)

Further, they assumed that their posterity would feel much the same as they did; in 1815, appealing to Congress to fund the building of a national university, James Madison called for the development of "a nursery of enlightened preceptors."

It is a long way from that to the moment on February 18, 2004, when sixty-two scientists, including a clutch of Nobel laureates, released a report accusing the incumbent administration of manipulating science for political ends. It is a long way from Jefferson's observatory and Franklin's kite to George W. Bush, in an interview in 2005, suggesting that intelligent design be taught alongside the theory of evolution in the nation's science classes. "Both sides ought to be properly taught," said the president, "so people can understand what the debate is about."

The "debate," of course, is nothing of the sort, because two sides are required for a debate. Nevertheless, the very notion of it is a measure of how scientific discourse, and the way the country educates itself, has slipped through lassitude and inattention across the border into Idiot America—where fact is merely that which enough people believe, and truth is measured only by how fervently they believe it.

If we have abdicated our birthright to scientific progress, we have done so by moving the debate into the realm of political and cultural argument, where we all feel more confident, because it is there that the Gut rules. Held to this standard, any scientific theory is rendered mere opinion. Scientific fact is no more immutable than a polling sample. This is how there's a "debate" over the very existence of global warming, even though the preponderance of fact among those who actually have studied the phenomenon renders the "debate" quite silly. The debate is about making people feel better about driving SUVs. The debate is less about climatology than it is about guiltlessly topping off your tank and voting in tax incentives for oil companies.

The rest of the world looks on in cockeyed wonder. The America of Franklin and Edison, of Fulton and Ford, of the Manhattan project and the Apollo program, the America of which Einstein wanted to be a part, seems to be enveloping itself in a curious fog behind which it's tying itself in knots over evolution, for pity's sake, and over the relative humanity of blastocysts versus the victims of Parkinson's disease.

"Even in the developing world, where I spend lots of time doing my work," Hodges says, "if you tell them that you're from MIT and you tell them that you do science, it's a big deal. If I go to India and tell them I'm from MIT, it's a big deal. In Thailand, it's a big deal. If I go to Iowa, they could give a rat's ass. And that's a weird thing, that we're moving in that direction as a nation."

Hence, Bush was not talking about science—not in any real sense, anyway. Intelligent design is a theological construct, a faith-based attempt to gussy up creationism in a lab coat. Its fundamental tenets cannot be experimentally verified—or, most important, falsified. That it enjoys a certain public cachet is irrelevant; a higher percentage of Americans believes that a government conspiracy killed John F. Kennedy than believes in intelligent design, but there is no great effort abroad in the land to include that conspiracy theory in sixth-grade history texts. Bush wasn't talking about science. He was talking about the political utility of putting saddles on the dinosaurs and breaking Ganesh's theological monopoly over the elephant paddock.

"The reason the creationists have been so effective is that they have put a premium on communication skills," explains Hodges. "It matters to them that they can talk to the guy in the bar, and it's important to them, and they are hugely effective at it."

It is the ultimate standard of Idiot America. How does it play to Joe Six-Pack in the bar? At the end of August 2004, the Zogby people discovered that 57 percent of undecided voters would rather have a beer with George Bush than with John Kerry. Now, how many people with whom you've spent time drinking beer would you trust with the nuclear launch codes? Not only is this not a question for a nation of serious citizens, it's not even a question for a nation of serious drunkards.

If even scientific discussion is going to be dragged into politics, then the discussion there at least ought to exist on a fairly sophisticated level. Again, the Founders thought it should. They considered self-government a science that required an informed and educated and enlightened populace to make all the delicate mechanisms run. Instead, today we have the Kabuki politics and marionette debates best exemplified by cable television. Instead, the discussion of everything ends up in the bar.

(It wasn't always this way. Theodore Roosevelt is reckoned to be the manliest of our manly-man presidents. He also was a lifelong science dweeb, cataloging songbirds, of all things. Of course, he shot them first, so maybe that makes all the difference.)

It is, of course, television that has allowed Idiot America to run riot within the modern politics and all forms of public discourse. It is not that there is less information on television than there once was. (That there is less news is another question entirely.) In fact, there is so much information that fact is now defined as something that so many people believe that television notices it, and truth is measured by how fervently they believe it.

"You don't need to be credible on television," explains Keith Olbermann, the erudite host of his own show on MSNBC. "You don't need to be authoritative. You don't need to be informed. You don't need to be honest. All these things that we used to associate with what we do are no longer factors.

"There is an entire network [the Fox News Channel] that bills itself as news that is devoted to reinforcing people's fears and saying to them, 'This is what you should be scared of, and here's whose fault it is,' " Olbermann says. "And that's what they get—two or three million frustrated paranoids who sit in front of the TV and go, 'Damn right, it's those liberals' fault.' Or, 'It's those—what's the word for it?— college graduates ' fault.' "

The reply, of course, is that Fox regularly buries Olbermann and the rest of the MSNBC lineup in breaking off a segment of a smidgen of a piece of the television audience. Truth is what moves the needle. Fact is what sells.

Idiot America is a bad place for crazy notions. Its indolent tolerance of them causes the classic American crank to drift slowly and dangerously into the mainstream, wherein the crank loses all of his charm and the country loses another piece of its mind. The best thing about American crackpots used to be that they would stand proudly aloof from a country that, by their peculiar lights, had gone mad. Not today. Today, they all have book deals, TV shows, and cases pending in federal court.

Once, it was very hard to get into the public square and very easy to fall out of it. One ill-timed word, even a whiff of public scandal, and all the hard work you did in the grange hall on all those winter nights was for nothing. No longer. You can be Bill Bennett, gambling with both fists, but if your books still sell, you can continue to scold the nation about its sins. You can be Bill O'Reilly, calling up subordinates to proposition them both luridly and comically—loofahs? falafels?—and if more people tune in to watch you than tune in to watch some other blowhard, you can keep your job lecturing America about the dangers of its secular culture. Just don't be boring. And keep the ratings up. Idiot America wants to be entertained.

Because scientific expertise was dragged into political discussion, and because political discussion is hopelessly corrupt, the distrust of scientific expertise is now as general as the distrust of politicians is. Everyone is an expert, so nobody is. For example, Sean Hannity's knowledge of, say, stem-cell research is measured precisely by his ratings book. His views on the subject are more well known than those of the people doing the actual research.

The credibility of Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania on the subject of the cultural anthropology of the American family ought to be, well, minimal. He spent the summer promoting a book in which he propounded theories on the subject that were progressively loopier. "For some parents," he writes, "the purported need to provide things for their children simply provides a convenient rationalization for pursuing a gratifying career outside the home." He goes on later to compare a woman's right to choose an abortion unfavorably with the institution of slavery. Nevertheless, he's welcome in the mainstream, at least until either he's defeated for reelection or his book doesn't sell.

"Somewhere along the line, we stopped rewarding intelligence with success and stopped equating intelligence with success," Olbermann says. We're all in the bar now, where everybody's an expert, where the Gut makes everyone so very sure. All opinions are of equal worth. No voice is more authoritative than any others; some are just louder. Of course, the problem in the bar is that sooner or later, for reasons that nobody will remember in the clear light of the next morning, some noisy asshole picks a fight. And it becomes clear that the rise of Idiot America has consequences.

ON THE MORNING of September 11, 2001, nobody in the American government knew more than Richard Clarke did on the subject of a shadowy terrorist network called Al Qaeda. He had watched it grow. He had watched it strike—in New York and in Africa and in the harbor in Yemen. That morning, in the Situation Room in the White House, Clarke watched the buildings burn and fall, and he recognized the organization's signature as well as he'd recognize his own. Instead, in the ensuing days a lot of people around him—people who didn't know enough about Al Qaeda to throw to a cat—wanted to talk about Iraq. What they believed trumped what Clarke knew, over and over again. He left the government.

"In the 1970s and 1980s, when the key issue became arms control, the traditional diplomats couldn't do the negotiating because that negotiating involved science and engineering," Clarke recalls. "Interagency decision papers were models of analysis, where assumptions were laid out and tested.

"That's the world I grew up in. [The approach] still applied to issues, even terrorism. Then these people come in, and they already have the answers, how to spin it, how to get the rest of the world on board. I thought, Wait a minute. That isn't analysis. It's the important issues where we really need analysis.

"In the area of terrorism, there is a huge potential for emotional reaction. The one thing I told my team [on September 11]—they were mad and they were crying, the whole range of emotions—was that we didn't have time for emotion that day."

Nothing that the administration of George W. Bush has done has been inconsistent with the forces that twice elected it. The subtle, humming engine of its success—against John Kerry, surely, but most vividly against poor, cerebral Al Gore—was a celebration of instinct over intellect, a triumph of the Gut. No campaigns in history employed the saloon question with such devastating success or saw so clearly the path through the deliberate inexpertise of the national debate. No politician in recent times has played to the Gut so deftly.

So it ought not shock anyone when the government suddenly found itself at odds with empirical science. It ought not shock anyone in the manner in which it would go to war. Remember the beginning, when it was purely the Gut—a bone-deep call for righteous revenge for which Afghanistan was not sufficient response.

In Iraq, there would be towering stacks of chemical bombs, a limitless smorgasbord of deadly bacteria, vast lagoons of exotic poisons. There would be candy and flowers greeting our troops. The war would take six months, a year, tops. Mission Accomplished. Major combat operations are over.

"Part of the problem was that people didn't want the analytic process because they'd be shown up," Richard Clarke says. "Their assumptions would be counterfactual. One of the real areas of expertise, for example, was failed-state reconstruction. How to go into failed states and maintain security and get the economy going and defang ethnic hatred. They threw it all out.

"They ignored the experts on the Middle East. They ignored the experts who said it was the wrong target. So you ignore the experts and you go in anyway, and then you ignore all the experts on how to handle the postconflict."

One of those experts was David Phillips, a senior advisor on what was called the Future of Iraq program for the State Department. Phillips was ignored. His program was ignored. Earlier, Phillips had helped reconstruct the Balkans after the region spent a decade tearing itself apart with genocidal lunacy.

Phillips knew what he knew. He just didn't believe what they believed.

"You can just as easily have a faith-based, or ideologically driven, policy," he says today. "You start with the presumption that you already know the conclusion prior to asking the question. When information surfaces that contradicts your firmly entrenched views, you dismantle the institution that brought you the information."

There was going to be candy and flowers, remember? The war was going to pay for itself. Believe.

"We went in blindfolded, and we believed our own propaganda," Phillips says. "We were going to get out in ninety days, spend $1.9 billion in the short term, and Iraqi oil would pay for the rest. Now we're deep in the hole, and people are asking questions about how we got there.

"It's delusional, allowing delusion to be the basis of policy making. Once you've told the big lie, you have to substantiate it with a sequence of lies that's repeated. You can't fix a policy if you don't admit it's broken."

Two thousand American lives later, remember the beginning. One commentator quite plainly made the case that every few years or so, the United States should "throw a small nation up against the wall" to prove that it means business. And Idiot America, which is all of us, cheered.

Goddamn right. Gimme another. And see what the superpowers in the back room will have.

AUGUST 19, 2005, was a beautiful day in Idiot America.

In Washington, William Frist, a Harvard-trained physician and the majority leader of the United States Senate, endorsed the teaching of intelligent design in the country's public schools. "I think today a pluralistic society," Frist explained, "should have access to a broad range of fact, of science, including faith."

That faith is not fact, nor should it be, and that faith is not science, nor should it be, seems to have eluded Doctor Senator Frist. It doesn't matter. He was talking to the people who believe that faith is both those things, because Bill Frist wants to be president of the United States, and because he believes those people will vote for him specifically because he talks this rot, and Idiot America will take it as an actor merely reciting his lines and let it go at that. Nonsense is a no-lose proposition.

On the same day, across town, a top aide to former secretary of state Colin Powell told CNN that Powell's pivotal presentation to the United Nations in which he described Iraq's vast array of deadly weapons was a farrago of stovepiped intelligence, wishful thinking, and utter ****.

"It was the lowest point in my life," the aide said.

That it has proven to be an even lower point for almost two thousand American families, and God alone knows how many Iraqis, seems to have eluded this fellow. It doesn't matter. Neither Frist with his pandering nor this apparatchik with the tender conscience—nor Colin Powell, for all that—will pay a substantial price for any of it because the two stories lasted one day, and, after all, it was a beautiful day in Idiot America.

Idiot America is a collaborative effort, the result of millions of decisions made and not made. It's the development of a collective Gut at the expense of a collective mind. It's what results when politicians make ridiculous statements and not merely do we abandon the right to punish them for it at the polls, but we also become too timid to punish them with ridicule on a daily basis, because the polls say they're popular anyway. It's what results when leaders are not held to account for mistakes that end up killing people.

And that's why August became a seminal month in Idiot America.

In its final week, a great American city drowned and then turned irrevocably into a Hieronymus Bosch painting in real time and on television, and with complete impunity, the president of the United States wandered the landscape and talked like a blithering nitwit.

First, he compared the violence surrounding the writing of an impromptu theocratic constitution in Baghdad to the events surrounding the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia in 1787. Undaunted, he later compared the war he'd launched in Iraq to World War II. And then he compared himself to Franklin Roosevelt. One more public appearance and we might have learned that Custer was killed by Hezbollah.

Finally, we saw the apotheosis of the end of expertise, when New Orleans was virtually obliterated as a functional habitat for human beings, and the country discovered that the primary responsibility for dealing with the calamity lay with a man who'd been dismissed as an incompetent from his previous job as the director of a luxury-show-horse organization.

And the president went on television and said that nobody could have anticipated the collapse of the unfortunate city's levees. In God's sweet name, engineers anticipated it. Politicians anticipated it. The poor bastards in the Ninth Ward certainly anticipated it. Hell, four generations of folksingers anticipated it.

And the people who hated him went crazy and the people who loved him defended him. But where were the people who heard this incredible, staggeringly stupid bafflegab, uttered with conscious forethought, and realized that whatever they thought of the man, the president had gotten behind a series of podiums and done everything but drop his drawers and dance the hootchie-koo? They were out there, lost in Idiot America, where it was still a beautiful day. Idiot America took it as a bad actor merely bungling his lines. Nonsense is a no-lose proposition. For Idiot America is a place where people choose to live.

It is a place that is built consciously and deliberately, one choice at a time, made or (most often) unmade. A place where we're all like that statue of Adam now, reclining in a peaceful garden of our own creation, brainless and dickless, and falling down on the job of naming the monsters for what they are, dozing away in an Eden that, every day, looks less and less like paradise

Situational Update

2005-10-24T10:40:00.000-06:00

Taking a quick break from my project just to let you all know that I'm still here and surviving my current work schedule.
I have many things that I still need to say and it all will be coming...it's just a matter of finding the time to do write it all out.
I hope to have something in the next couple of days.

Talk to you all later

From the Darkness Pt. 8

2005-10-13T04:18:00.000-06:00

I briefly considered waiting until Pt. 69 to talk about this next topic, but then realized that I'd likely not have that many posts nor that many things to talk about so without further ado, let's talk about sex and all of the things associated with it

As a warning, this is going to be part opinion, part confessional...

In trying to figure out a place to begin, the thing on my mind right now is pornography. Is it right? Should we as a society allow the publication of literature and imagery of a sexually explicit nature? I don't know...looking at the various complications that can surround the whole issue, I'm left unsure. Let me explain. On the purely moral ground pornography is bad. It promotes envy and lust which can lead to adultery and other sins of the flesh...yet on the other hand, I am tempted to believe that with the availability of magazines and movies, the desires of the flesh can be sated safely and without risk. Note I do not include going out trolling for prostitutes in that.

Still, I am not wholly convinced by my own argument for porno. Confession time: I have a collection of magazines...hell I'd have a huge collection, but on three occassions I have thrown out what I had at the time. I would like to think that I am not buying these things just to drool over pictures of naked women, but then why else am I buying these things? I would like to think that I have a healthy respect for women, but am I debasing that by purchasing magazines that may or may not be exploiting the female body? It also doesn't help that I feel like a heel buying these magazines, especially since that 99% of the time the clerk at the counter is female. I know I alone am not responsible for the success of these magazines, but I feel like I am the only one buying the stuff at the time.

My greatest sin is lust...that is my fatal flaw, my weakness if you will. My dark secret wish is that I was a female instead of male. I hate alot of the things that get tied up in being a guy and I think part of my problem is that I have been unable to fully accept the stereotypical attitudes of being a guy...yet, I have not been fully able to overcome them either. I am unable to express myself to others (in a social environment involving talking and interaction) and tend to keep everything bottled inside. I try to do everything on my own and hate asking for help cause I feel like that is a sign of weakness...

Seems like I'm getting a little side-tracked from what I wanted to talk about...let's see if I can get back on track...I was talking about lust and porn.

More questions: Does porn help alleviate lust or does it simply fuel that desire? Also, is lust, in and of itself, evil? Humans are a social creature after all...and physical attraction is part of that whole equation. Is it only Western society/religion that has attached negativity to the concept of desire? When does desire cross over into sin? There are so many questions...I don't know if I have the answers to any of them nor do I know if I'm truly looking for an answer. I would like to know what others think, so please, let me know.

As for this topic, there is still much more to talk about. I have only scratched the surface and perhaps I might end up getting to that 69th post after all.

Any way, I have to get going for work, but I will try to post again in the next day or so. Talk to you all later.

From the Darkness Pt. 7

2005-10-12T10:19:00.000-06:00

So begins the second week of hell...technically it was yesterday, but I think I've finally awake enough now to realize it...

Anyway, I'm just going to cut to the chase...
Temp supervisors...

The supervisor for my department is leaving for maternaty leave (she hasn't even been supervisor for a year and she's gone for a year some time in November). Since we need a supervisor more than a third body to answer phones, the company hired someone outside to fill in.
My new supervisor started late September...and it's odd. I like her, but I'm left with the feeling that no matter what good she brings to the department, she's only here for a year or so. That's the weird thing though...I mean, who wants to just have a supervisory position for a year knowing that it is likely not going to be continued. I think I would like to see her stay as the supervisor and the other one, who I don't have any real issues with, stay over in Development.

The other odd thing is, I'm getting congratulations and other acknowledgement for work well done by the new supervisor...for me this is rather odd. As far as I know, I'm just doing my job and have been doing the same things for the past 4 years. Sure, I would get the occassional 'good job' from colleagues once in a while, but nothing like this. In a way, it makes me a little uncomfortable as I really don't know how to take it. I mean, to me, I'm only doing what is necessary to get the job done...yet now I'm being told that I'm going above and beyond to help support our agents and staff. I am grateful for the compliments, but at the same time, to suddenly be getting compliments for doing what I've been doing has me a little off balance.

I shouldn't complain too much I suppose. I am looking forward to some of the changes she has in mind...if all things go accordingly, it means less on the phone time for me and more writing. Still, I will have to wait and see how that goes.

In essence, this is more of an update that any thoughts on particular matters/topics, but hey, it's something...
Talk to you later

Situational Update

2005-10-04T10:25:00.000-06:00

I am tired...I have just started waking up at 3:45 AM for the month of October. My body's not used to it nor is my brain and as a result, I am tired.

I went to see Audioslave on Saturday...awesome show. That's all I have to say...well, I have more, but it's all just praise and more praise. I loved it and if they come back to town, I'm there.

I haven't seen Serenity yet...not sure that I will while it's in the theatres. Pretty much anything during the evenings is shot for me this month anyway. I hear it is good and several of my friends have enjoyed it, but I don't know. I haven't seen any of the shows and I'm not sure it's something that I'm going to like. Still, it does sound like a fun movie...might just wait for it to come out on DVD and buy it. Seems like I do that with a lot of movies these days.

I picked up Disturbed's new CD "Ten Thousand Fists"...awesome band and awesome CD. This CD is a lot better than their first disc. It's good and I think I would like to see them live should they come this way...looking at their website, it doesn't look like they're coming to Canada any time soon, but who knows? I'm going to keep my eyes open just in case.

I'm thinking of buying a new computer for a couple of reasons...but it'll have to wait till after October in all likelihood, what with car insurance and registration due this month, I'm not going to be able to afford that luxury. I still want to get a laptop, but that's going to have to wait a bit longer I think. All in all, another computer will reduce some of the stress I have at home...not going to go into details, but anyway...

Well, I'm signing off for now...just thought to give an update on me and things in my life. I've been a little too tired to continue on with the 'From the Darkness' series, but I am going to get back to it soon. Till then, take care.

From the Darkness Pt. 6

2005-09-27T07:47:00.000-06:00

Lost Thoughts...So Tired
As I sit here, getting ready to go into work, I am left with the feeling of "Man, I'm tired". I'm not just talking about physically tired either. I feel mentally and emotionally drained. The situation at work is not helping matters...there have been changes and more changes and no sign of any positive change either. The Support Department is under-staffed; growing, not shrinking; and they want more time spent on testing cause calls are going down. How is it that calls are going down when my open call list is at it's longest in two years? I don't get some of the decisions that get made at my place of employment...for example the whole statement of customer service. We are being told by the big shots in the States that customer service is the focal point, yet we are under-staffed in critical customer service departments. On top of that, the States says they realize this and are taking steps to address the situation, yet they are not allowing us to hire new employees. I don't get that.

I also don't get office politics. I think they are stupid and they suck. I hate having my boss trying to sugar-coat stuff when I can feel there is more going on. I want honesty and to be treated like a real person. I'm a human being damn it, not some monkey! Fuck. There are times I feel like Denis Leary...I can't believe I have to get angry over some of the shit that, to me, shouldn't be happening. Yet I see it day in and day out. I try to keep a positivie attitude, but it's hard when everyone around me is playing power games and trying to cover their own asses. Screw 'em.

The problem is, I need the money...I should be getting more for the shit I put up with and the sacrifices I've made, but apparently that doesn't really matter in Corporate America. Still, the money isn't bad and trying to get a job where I'd be starting off close to what I'm making now is going to be hard if not possible and I don't want to spend another 5 years working to get where I am now...in terms of what I'm making, my benefits, and vacation time. I guess I could look at getting a job with the Government *shudder*.

The other issue I have is that my skill sets have no real meaning outside of my current place of employment. I was formally trained as a programmer...5 years ago. I haven't done any at this place and even if I did, my skills would be outdated and not in demand in the current business world. On top of that, the support tasks and whatnot that I do now, I do not actually have formal training on so going to another place to work support...not going to be really pretty actually. I technically have the experience and the knowledge, yet without some piece of paper saying that I took Course X and got a score of X, most places won't even bother with a follow up call.

Part of it is a security issue...I know I have a job for a while yet, but giving it up to go into something else that might not last beyond the 3 month probation period...I can't really afford that right now. It's a situation that I've let myself crawl into and it's something that I'm going to have to deal with...I just don't know how I'm going to do that. I had thought about taking night courses to update my programming skills, yet if I'm not doing that at work, why bother? I also thought about taking night courses for network administrator and/or support desk, but now that I have this fucked up schedule at work (one month I work 9 AM to 6 PM then the next month I work 5:30 AM to 2:30 PM), a night course is looking like it is out of the question. The whole thing is probably not as bad as I make it out to be, but I feel overwhelmed by the whole situation and that is what really matters right now. It's left me feeling haggard and stretched to my limit. Add to the whole mess that the overall morale of everyone at work is pretty low and everyone is feeling stressed out...I'd rather not be there for a couple of days.

These are the thoughts and feelings that I'm currently going through, which will have an obvious impact on what I talk about in my posts assuming I can bring myself to sit down and think about what I want to say.

In closing...having had a talk with Raven, I realize that I want a job that will give me some respect and acknowledgement. Also thinking about it, I want to be doing something where I am creating or helping with the creation of something. I want to program...I want to write...I want to create. I want something that engages me mentally. I like problem-solving and I think I'm good at it. I would love to work for a gaming company, perferablly software in nature, but something like that. There's one in town, but I don't know if I have anything to offer them...I applied there once, long ago and never heard anything so I don't know if I should bother going back any time soon. Maybe after I figure out what I'm going to do about my skill sets...

Anyway, have faith...that's the only thing that is keeping me going right now. Talk to you all later.

From the Darkness Pt 5

2005-09-21T13:15:00.000-06:00

What I'm about to talk about may cause a bit of a commotion, but it's something that has been nagging me for a while now and it all coalesced the other day as work was wrapping up.

To Agree to Disagree
Or in other words, I don't necessarily agree with your opinion but I'm not going to hate you because of it.
You could also say RESPECT....

So, I was sitting there thinking about what I believe and all of that when I hit upon a little problem...the issue of homosexuality. This is one of those hot topics and you hear daily about people taking sides and having issues and all of that. I am going to give you where I stand on the matter of homosexuality, but I urge you to read carefully.

I personally feel that homosexuality is wrong. However, I do not condemn people who live that lifestyle for one major reason: I do not have the right to condemn a person. That belongs to God (another topic for another post). I may disagree with the choice, but at the same time, I am willing to treat you as just another human being until you piss me off (and this goes for anyone out there). If two guys really love each other, who am I to rain on their parade? All I ask is that you be respectful of my orientation and don't flaunt it in my face.

This leads me to another issue I have with the whole homosexual topic. I know this does not apply to all gays/lesbians...but listening to some of the discourse that is going out there, I get offended by the whole "shove it in your face" approach some of these gay right activists take (and again, this also applies to other minority group activists as well). I realize that these people want to be treated equally and fairly. Fine. The one thing that these groups seem to forget is that the fundamental basis of our moral code in Western society has been in place for over 2000 years. To demand and expect changes immediately is a bit much to ask, I think. Yes, times have changed, but change happens over time, not over night.

I realize that some of these groups just want to make sure that they are not forgotten, but I really think that some of their efforts are more hurtful to their own cause. Example: Gay-pride parade. Honestly, if you wanted to force people to pick a side, there is nothing that does it better than demanding that a day be set aside to acknowledge a specific group of people. The unfortunate thing is, all the people who may have been ambivalent about the whole issue are now upset at the group (in this case the gay community) because that group is basically getting in the rest of the community's face flaunting their choice of life.

As I said before, I personally believe homosexuality to be wrong...but I have friends who are gay and openly at that. Does this bother me? Not really cause I don't focus on the sexual orientation of the people I'm with. I don't sit there thinking to myself "Oh no, that guy's gay. He's going to start hitting on me any minute now." I used to be like that, but found that the stress of imagined possibilities was just too great. If some guy hits on me now, I'll tell him sorry, I don't swing that way.

The other thing that I don't appreciate is how some people blast politicians for not supporting gay right movements and what not. Realize that these politicians rely upon the majority of the population to stay in office...if the majority of the population dislikes the idea of allowing gay marriages, guess what, these politicians are going to oppose gay marriage. Now, I myself have a strong dislike of politicians because, let's face it, they are popularity whores. You never really know where they truly stand on anything cause they are constantly pandering to the masses.

Before wrapping up, the last comment about politicians leads me to a slight tangent, but related. Hypocrisy. I know I've been hypocritical about things in the past so I'm no saint here, but what boils my blood is hearing a politician saying that gay marriage debases the sanctity of marriage and the politician's been married 4 times. The hell! Dude, if you truly believed in the sanctity of marriage, there is a little phrase that says 'till death do you part'. Divorce and all is another touchy subject that I'm not going to touch here, but if one is going to talk about the sanctity of something, they best not have sullied the very thing they're talking about. Which brings me to a small confession of my own.

Maybe it's a guy thing...but I think there are other things involved (which I may talk about later), but as much as I think homosexuality is wrong...I find I lose all arguements against it when it comes to lesbians. This is my hypocrisy I guess and it's one of the reasons I don't get bent out of shape about the whole issue.

In the end, I wish people would just be a little more willing to be a little more open-minded about each other and the social issues that affect all of us. I only wish that people realize that this whole thing regarding gays challenges the population as a whole to look at what values they hold as right or wrong. Western society has evolved through the years with the teachings that homosexuality is wrong...it hasn't stopped it from occurring, but it was quiet and kept behind the bedroom door (so to speak). To suddenly thrust it out into the light and force people to think causes a lot of problems...partly due to the fact that many people probably have never really stopped to consider what it is that they truly believe.

*sigh* My train of thought is broken and I'm going to start rambling about other stuff...anyway, this is just some of the stuff that's been sitting in my head. I don't mean to belittle anyone who is gay or make light of the difficulties you may have had to endure...I just needed to let you know.

From the Darkness Pt 4

2005-09-20T12:40:00.000-06:00

So, I've been doing some thinking about stuff, mostly what is going on in my life at work and I've been left with a sense of 'bleh'. That's right bleh. I'm not sure how better to describe it really. I would like a change, but that's going to be hard...I tend to get entrenched into what appears to be comfortable and my current job has given me some comfort. It's the lack of recognition/respect as well as the uncertainty all around me that makes me feel like I should be moving on.

And that's the problem...picking up and moving on. I think about when my dad worked for a company...he spent at least 30 years with one company (depsite the name changes it went through and such). He was loyal to the company and, when he had to leave due to illness, the company returned that loyalty. I respect that alot. Now, it doesn't matter if you've put in 10 years or 2...the concept of loyalty to the employer and to the employee seems a thing of the past.

I hear of cases where this is not the case, but ultimately, it seems to be the norm in North American business culture: to reduce cost, the first thing to do, cut the people. Obviously we don't need that many people working in the first place and it will not have any impact on the quality of service that we, [insert name of company here], provide to our consumers. What a load of crap. Having seen it first hand, I wonder why upper management assumes that cutting employees is going to save money? Oh, I understand the immediate picture, cut 10 people who make $30,000 a year and you've just saved yourself apparently $300,000. Yet, I don't think so. To maintain the level of service and quality, you ask more out of the remaining employees, which means you need to pay them more, or they'll just quit/find a better job, or you end up spending more on implementing procedures and policies to maintain the level of quality with fewer people. This might be a simplistic view of the world of business, but that's what I see and what I think...business sucks and it needs to be re-vamped in my opinion. Inflation goes up, wages stay the same...companies cut hundreds of jobs a year...I'd love to step away from all of this but I can't...I have bills to pay, a life to maintain, and things I'd like to do that require money.

Money has been the bane of my life really. I understand that I earn credit by sitting at a desk for 8 hrs a day (technically 9, but I don't get paid for the lunch hour I get). I understand that these credits allow me to buy things that I may or may not need (trust me, I have a lot of things that I don't need, but wanted). I understand this, but I don't really get money. A part of me hates it for some reason...thinking about money and how much I have and how much I have to have to pay certain bills depresses me. When I get depressed, I spend money...which makes me more depressed. Vicious cycle and one that I've just started to crawl out of. I've even gotten to the point now that I have money for rent and other things when they come due...but I still have issues with keeping track of money. Maybe I have a too simplistic outlook on life or something, but I just don't get how me sitting at a desk for 8 hrs a day equates to being able to buy stuff or pay for things. How is it that my time, spent doing what I do, means I can afford to do the things I do? It's things like that which make me throw up my hands in dismay.

I think money and economics are one of the few things in life that the less I know about, the better off I am. I like knowing things...I like being able to say I understand how that works and why, but there are things that make my head hurt and I try to leave those things alone.

One last thing before I wrap this up...one of the biggest issues I have with money and budgets and all of that is...I like to give. Maybe it's a selfish urge or maybe it's because I like to give whatever I can to friends in need. I've hurt myself financially cause I've given a little more than I could really afford to people I've known...and I even knew that I would be in trouble by doing so, but I still did it. Why? I have no real idea except that, maybe, I looked at the situation differently than most people: I can help them now so why not. Not necessarily a good thing, but I'd rather help out than to sit and do nothing. Which is odd given my opinion about fund raisers and charities...I think it's knowing that I know exactly what's happening with the money I give. I don't lend...if I give you money that's that. If you feel the need to repay me, I won't stop you, but I don't expect it. The only thing I might expect is that, some time in the future, you might return the favor by helping me out of a jam and not necessarily with money.

Anyway, this is really wasn't what I had intended to talk about, but it works. All things have a purpose and I guess this was what was more on my mind than the other thing (which I hope I'll remember for the next post). Till next time...

An Aside

2005-09-20T12:37:00.000-06:00

Just to let you all know, I have recently employed the 'word verification' system for comments for the blog. I have only received a handful of spam comments, but I'm always looking for a way to minimize useless stuff.

Hopefully this will not deter real people from posting comments. I do read them the moment I get them...

From the Darkness Pt. 3

2005-09-19T13:18:00.000-06:00

Me
I did say that I was going to give you some insight as to who I am and where I'm coming from (which will be interesting cause I still wonder where it is I'm coming from). Anyway, this is always the hardest thing, I find, about being honest is giving an honest account of who you really are. Please bear with me here...

Most of you likely already know that I'm adopted...it usually happens when I get comments like "You don't look Spanish". It's true, as far as I know, I don't have a hint of Spanish blood in my veins. My birth mother's Scot/Swede and I think most of that shows up in one way or another. Anyway, I do not hold any negative feelings towards my birth mother for giving me up for adoption...she was 15 years old when I was born. 15! I can't imagine the strain, physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially having a baby at the age of 15 is going to have on someone (my birth father was 18 and a blue collar worker...apparently he disappeared sometime before I was born so it wasn't like he was sticking around to help out with his responsibilities in the matter). I was given to a good home and I was raised in a loving environment and given many opportunities that I probably would not have had, had I not been given up for adoption. I'm also glad that adoption was a choice...I'm not going to get into the subject of abortion at this time, but it chills me to think that I might have not even made it into this world. Suffice to say, I am here and despite the ups and downs, I'm going to be here for a while longer.

Moving right along...now, not only was my mom 15, she was also small. I think she was barely 5'2" and of small frame. I was not a massive baby, but at 7 lbs 11 ounzes, I was large enough. Long story short, there were some complications during childbirth, one of which I would not find out until a talk with a doctor 16 years later.

I was born with club foot (essentially imagine your foot, my left foot in this case, is positioned such that the toes are pointing towards the inner arch of the other foot) and had casts on my feet at the age of 3 weeks. I am told that the casts were meant to stop the development of the club foot...I personally think that the doctors were a bunch of sick sadists in disguise. But that's neither here nor there. Through out my young life, I went through various surgeries to try and correct the problem with my left foot. Now, my foot is covered in some very impressive scars, but the ankle is weak and the foot still deformed...though I don't have club foot anymore. Anyway, my last surgery was done when I was 16...at that time, the doctor who had been essentially with me for all the surgeries and whatnot till that point, told me and my mom that the cause for this was a result of something known as Cerebral Palsey (CP). I had no idea what this was so I looked it up...it is damage caused to the brain during childbirth due to lack of oxygen to the baby. Now, I am blessed in that I did not have a typical case of CP...I have seen people twisted up and forced to remain in a bed because of what CP did to them. Me, I only suffered a slight case...the left side of my body is under-developed because of the damage that was done...that's it (at least that was what the doctor would say...who knows, maybe there's something else, but that could just be paranoia).

I would not say I'm handicapped, but I think, perhaps, this problem led to other issues I had to deal with throughout school, but then again, alot of people go through hell in Junior High. The only other issues, medically speaking, with me are: I have to wear glasses, I am depressive (no longer on medication and not feeling nearly as bad as I did before I took the meds), and I'm narcoleptic which I'm taking medication for (and will likely be taking it for the rest of my life).

So, why am I telling you all this...well, I call it my first step towards getting to the core of me. You see, I have had a hard time being honest with others about me and due to past behaviours, I lost sight of myself through all the mazes and masks that I had erected. I want to understand myself and the only way I think I can do this is by talking freely in this forum...strange and perhaps vaguely disturbing, but I need to essentially see who I am again and to do that, I need to just get the thoughts in my head out and sorted out. Talking with friends is good, but I don't want to take up all their time talking about me...and it takes a long time for me to be able to talk freely with even my friends.

As you can see, for me, this whole thing is a journey of self-discovery. I think I've gone too long without taking stock of my life in a constructive manner and that is what I intend to do here. Some posts may not be as constructive as others, and others might just be expressing my views on certain matters, but all of that is important in rediscovering me.

What does this all mean...(as you can see, I tend to deviate a lot), I don't know. Perhaps a raw, uncut look into my life and my thoughts, or just melodramatic prose about the trials and tribulations in my life...if the posts start sounding like that, please slap me...I hate angst. I had it once and got over it mostly and would like to leave it behind in its grave.

A little more on my life...I lived a sheltered life for the most part and it wasn't until late High School that I actually started hanging outside my parents' house on a frequent basis. Sounds sad...trust me, it was in a way. I have very firm beliefs (which I will get into in another post), yet I find myself questioning some of these because of who I know and what I've seen.

Anyway, I have jumped about for enough right now so I'm just going to end this post now. Next time...who knows, I might be a little more focused.

From the Darkness Pt. 2

2005-09-13T23:18:00.000-06:00

Where to begin...I had thought to write this all out first and then just type it up and post it, but everytime I started writing, I found I wasn't feeling it, whatever it is. I always talked about the same thing, but it did not feel real. So here I am now, writing this from my head now and to hell with what happens.

I think I needed to really figure out what this whole From the Darkness project was going to be about...and I think I have at least the starting basis. This is about me and who I am. I'm not going to write about something that I found interesting at work or how irritated I am with some of the stuff at work. No, I am going to write about me; maybe an autobiography if you will. Odd, given how I've said I don't like talking about myself...Yet I realized that ultimately that might be my major flaw: I don't let anyone really know about me and what is going on inside of me.

You see, growing up I spent a lot of time alone in my room with my various toys and computer games. I had a couple of friends, but for the most part, I got along just fine by myself. I think this is mostly due to the fact that I am introverted and it takes me a long time to make friends with people. I want to know the person better before I proceed with any kind of association. This means that I once I make friends, I'm loyal and steadfast (usually), but it also means that I have likely missed out on some opportunities to develop relationships with people with whom I might really get along with because I take social interactions slowly.

Now, the other problem that I see with social interactions is the fact that I hate my voice. I hate talking, yet I end up in situations where I have to talk. Hell, I work at a support desk so I spend a good deal of time on the phone talking. Now, what I hear, when I speak, I don't mind. I hear a playback of my voice on a recording and I just want to cringe. I don't know why, but my voice bothers me a great deal (when I hear it played back) so I start thinking to myself, "If I can't stand the sound of my own voice, I wonder what others think of it." I'm bad that way...if I think someone might think negatively of me then they must be along with everyone else and I get worked up and then stop trying to interact...not a good thing. Ironically, I perfer face-to-face interaction with people. I dislike talking to people over the phone cause I cannot see their facial expression and I dislike holding conversations in chat rooms or via e-mail because things like sarcasm and other tonal clues are missing and so you are left with having to take the letter at face value, which may not be a good thing.

Anyway, that got me thinking about how I should start this whole thing off...how do I find a decent starting point that is logical and then follow in a linear progression. It was at that point that I said "fuck it". I'm tired of trying to find a starting point and I'm tired of trying to force my thoughts into a logical framework of linear progressions. I am not going to go with a stream of conscience thing here...I need some structure within my life and the way I do things, but I just need to let stuff come out as it does so. Therefore, I must apologize now for the scatter-brain approach to this whole thing. Whatever is currently in my thoughts is going to get written down in this project. This is starting to sound a little like the intro to this project...oh well.

What I am likely going to do for the next post, is give you the reader, a little more insight into who I actually am. Till then, stay safe and hold tight...

One Minute Interlude

2005-09-12T07:58:00.000-06:00

This is just a brief aside from the essay(?) that I'm writing.
Last Friday (Sept 9), the United Way Committee at work (which I am a member of) kicked off a fund raising poker tournament...a project that I mostly put together myself and am overseeing. It started Friday and goes till Thursday.

Anyway, in preparing for this, and based on what happened with last year's Blackjack event, I was expecting something along the lines of maybe 20 of the 80 employees to come out on Friday. At $5 an entry...that would be $100 to the United Way. Not alot, but a decent amount along with the possibility of going higher. At the end of Friday, the tournament had pulled in only $25. Right now, that has left a rather sour taste in my mouth as it either means no one is interested and I misjudged in selecting this event, or it has not been organized as well as it could have been, which means it all comes back to me being responsible for it being a failure as a fund raiser.

I know some people said they might join up during the week, but I'm not going to hold my breath on it. I'm going to let it run its course, though I will try to salvage what I can of it. If it can at least raise $100, I will be happy and I will know not to try this again next year. If, by some fluke it does really well this week, who knows...right now, however I am not feeling to particularly good about the whole fact that my project is currently going down in a ball of rapidly expanding flame.

This has been a brief interlude while I continue to work on the next post for the From the Darkness main project. Till next post...take care and be true to yourself.

From the Darkness Pt. 1

2005-09-08T13:34:00.000-06:00

I want to write about many things so, instead of one very long post, I'm going to be breaking this up into several shorter posts. This is the intro...

This whole thing started a couple of days ago while thinking about human nature and what is happening in New Orleans. I started to reflect on what I perceived as some of the various social and political problems within our society and trying to come up with possible solutions to these woes. Perhaps, I should have stopped there....Noting that my solutions lacked a certain amount of depth and realism, I started looking into myself again and within the hour I was not in good spirits. They say we are our worst critics...they're right. My entire focus shifted onto myself.

Now, I am uncomfortable with just the thought about talking about me; I dislike the idea that I might be just another self-absorbed, narcisstic chump. I already fear that this is going to be perceived as a bunch of 'oh, woe is me' angsty bullshit...and unfortunately, I think some of it will actually be that. Anyway, my intention with this is to give you, the reader, a rare glimpse of who I really am, or maybe more percisely, who I think I am.

Some of the stuff that I will be talking about will have already been mentioned in previous posts and there is some stuff that some of my friends will already know. Then there is the stuff that few if any know. All of that will come in the days to follow. Right now, this is just a prelude.

Speaking of which, there are two points I would like to address right now before going any further:

1. I realize that this is a public forum and that anyone can read this and what not. Personally, while a part of me is scared about the whole thing about baring myself to the unseen masses, I don't care at this point. I want to say things to people in general that I can never bring myself to say so this method works.

2. I cannot make any apologies for what I will be writing in the days to come. That would be dishonest to the whole reason I am undertaking this endeavour. I have nearly two decades of pent up rage, anxiety, and whatever else to get rid of and I know that some may be offended or hurt by what I will be writing. Know that I do not like to hurt other's feelings, but I have been bottling my own feelings up for so long now, I just need to pour it all out.

In wrapping up this intro, I can only say that I have no idea where this project is going to take me nor how long it will go. I cannot say this for certain, but, when I finally finish this self-indulgence of mine, I may just pull the plug on this blog. I don't know for sure on that...only time will tell. For those that do read this and who know me, I ask that you pass all of this info onto our other friends who might not know of my blog...I don't like going around telling people to come check out my blog, which may be why I have very few readers (not that I can tell anyway), but I would like it if at the very least some of my friends out there do get a chance to read what I have to say.

Thank you for your time and patience. There is more to follow...

You have been warned

2005-09-07T14:20:00.000-06:00

This is not going to be a full post...I'm currently in the process of writing out exactly what I want to say before posting it this time. In the spirit of generosity and understanding, I just wanted to let those of you who actually read this blog that my next post (or the next few depending on how things go) is turning out to be rather grim. I'm hoping that I have a glimmer of hope at the end of what I'm going to post, but I don't know. All I do know is that apparently I am very pissed off with the world these days.

Stay tuned.

New Orleans....and other stuff

2005-09-06T13:25:00.000-06:00

First thing...I'm pissed off with having to come into work yesterday (Labour Day). 7:30 AM to 4:30 PM to sit around and twiddle my thumbs. What a waste of fucking time. Only four people were in the office yesterday and by 1:30 PM they were all gone. There were no phone calls to take...nothing. What a waste of time.

I took my car into a shop to get an oil change and fluid flush/topoff. $620 later...all I can say is ouch. I was thinking around $100, maybe $200, but there was a lot of mess in there apparently. Note to self: take car in slightly more frequently. Might be less costly.

And now to the whole thing about New Orleans...
I have no idea what the hell is going on here. There's people shooting at rescue workers, trying to kill cops, cops committing suicide cause of stress. On top of all that, there are people saying that the government was slow to respond because of racial reasons and the like. All I do know is that this is one messed up situation and it's going to get worse especially when the body count starts coming in.

Now, I have sympathy for the people who lost loved ones as well as homes and valueables, but I can't stop thinking that in the end, the city had been judged by God and found wanting. It is unfortnate that there is pain and suffering for the innocent, but still this is a city that make Las Vegas (known as Sin City) look tame in comparison. I am also going to admit that these are just my opinions.

How can people want to kill those who are trying to resuce them? That just boogles the mind. A friend pointed out that even in 3rd World nations ruled by despots, the Red Cross is allowed to deliver supplies unmolested (sure, the despot will come in and take those supplies from the people who need them, but the Red Cross isn't being shot at). Now we have the Federal Government sending in the military with orders to shoot-to-kill anyone remotely hostile. I would not want to be on either side of this issue, the psychological scarring alone is going to be hideous.

Now, add to the mix all of these celebrities coming out donating funds to relief aid efforts and such. Why is that celebrities are drawn to disasters like moths to a flame? I know some of these stars have charities and other humanitary projects on the go, but there are those who just suddenly appear on TV saying how much they are going to personally donate to the relief effort. To these people I ask, why don't you give back to the community before something like this happens? Instead of demanding millions of dollars for your next movie, why not donate the majority of it to a useful humanitarian cause in the first place? Or better yet, help out with city improvement projects and the like before a crisis like New Orleans happens.

Moving right along, but still keeping on the New Orleans thing. I read a couple of days ago that two radio stations in Toronto were removing the song "New Orleans is Sinking" by The Tragically Hip, from their playlist for the time being. On one level I can understand why this was done, but really, the song was written in 1989 and everyone knew then that New Orleans was in trouble. The city is under the sea level and in a region known to be hit by major hurricanes. Do the math...Anyway, this whole bordeline censoring of a band's song made me think...does this set a precedent? Do we go through all songs, movies, TV shows, and artwork and anything we find that might potentially offend someone about a situation that is currently happening or has recently happened and then ban public access to that particular art? Sounds a little out to left field, but with things going where they are...you never know.

Wow...I feel a little better know. In other news, I received my copy of "Mage: The Awakening" by White Wolf through the mail. It is very nice and very shiny. I have to admit that I really like the new World of Darkness line that they have done...I just need to find a group of people who would be interested in trying it out.

The relationship front...still single. Don't expect that to change anytime soon. Who knows, I might be surprised, but as the saying goes, only time will tell.

That's it for now...I am hoping to try to write more often, but desire to has been lacking. Which reminds me, I have written quite a bit of prose lately. It needs some work, but I've been impressed with the quantity that I've put out in the last couple of weeks. Just need to work on several points and maybe I'll improve the quality as well.

Talk to you all later.

04:00

2005-08-24T10:47:00.000-06:00

I think Robin Williams said it in "Good Morning, Vietnam"...the quote being something like this:
What does the O mean? Oh my God it's early!

Something like that...I can't quite remember it as it has been a long time since seeing the movie. Anyway, today and tomorrow I get my first taste of having to come in for 5:30 AM. I'm not sure how I feel about it...right now I feel like I'm experiencing that manic mood one gets after not sleeping for several days. The odd thing is, I went to bed at 8:45 PM the other night...and still feel as though I'm still trying to wake up.

The schedule that I have to look forward to is as follows: my co-worker gets the 5:30-2:30 shift for September and then I get it for October. So one month on, one month off. That's going to do lovely things for my sleep pattern. Did I mention I'm narcoleptic? Yea.

I'm not sure what I should be doing right now. I like the job, for the most part, and the pay is good as are the benefits. However, I think I could be doing better. The problem is, my skill sets are not going to be what most employers are going to be looking for these days. I'm great at troubleshooting and solving computer problems, but I don't have any certifications or hard qualifications. I don't have actual support desk training, depsite doing it for 3 1/2 years and what not. I have a degree that says I'm a Computer Programmer Analyst, but that was 5 years ago and I haven't done anything in the way of actual programming at work. So all-in-all, I'm kind of fucked if something were to happen here and I got laid off, fired, or quit. I don't see any of those things happening in the near future, but still, you never know.

Right now, I'm going to try toughing it out and see what happens. It does mean that I have to give up some of my weekly activities every other month due to time conflicts. I'll see how it goes.

What else...I went to a friend's wedding on Sunday (I'm friends with both bride and groom so I guess that should be friends')...and it was very nice (I hate that word, but I can't think of anything else at the moment...nice is soo bland and lack-luster). I knew maybe a handful of people that were there, but it was a great event nonetheless. I don't tend to show emotions in public, but I did have a couple of tears during the speeches, as well as a few laughs. All in all, it was a great time. I'm happy for both of them and wish them a long and happy time together.

Being there, I felt a little awkward at times as everyone else there were married, or couples, leaving me one of the only single males there. I did feel a little out of place, but what's a person to do right? Anyway, I have to be getting back to work again. Talk to you all later.

Extended Leave...

2005-08-15T13:49:00.000-06:00

Sorry for the long period of silence...it's just that I've allowed myself to get sucked into the World of Warcraft universe; that and I have had only a few brief periods of time to just myself that I've relished those moments.

Where to begin...I've been working out what I would like to write and have finally gotten something that may actually live beyond the first three pages of writing. I have some development work still left to do, but I'm thinking this has more potential than anything else I've written. Only the future will tell.

What else...or yes, life at work is going to be hell soon. I work at a help desk supporting people all across Canada. There's currently three of us in the department...three people to cover 85 people internally and about another 124 agencies across the country. One of my co-workers is leaving near the end of the month...and he's the one who does the 5:30 AM to 2:30 PM shift. Now, myself and the other guy are going to have to alternate who gets that shift and who works the 9 AM to 6 PM shift (which is currently mine). I really don't want that shift as it means the majority of my social life will go out the window during the time I work that shift (currently we are looking at either doing a two-week rotation or a montly rotation). And it gets better. So there will be two of us (we have a supervisor, but they're busy dealing with reports and other stuff that they rarely are around to answer the phone) to cover the business hours. We've asked the manager when a likely replacement will be hired and were told that he is having trouble finding a need to have 3 people in the department. The FUCK!. *deep breath...relax* Okay, so that means it will just be myself and buddy...great. This will mean that buddy will likely have to work 12 1/2 hour shifts when I take the remainder of my vacation time (which is about 2 weeks) and I'll have to do the same when he takes his two weeks this year (though I might be lucky in that I think he's used some of his time up already).

Grr...this whole thing is pissing me off and I'm wondering whether or not I should give notice. I'm going to have to find a suitable job first, but grrr. 5 years in to get good benefits, 3 weeks vacation and a decent (it could be much better) salary...all to have to start all over again.

More on this later, I gotta get back to work....

All Quiet on the Western Front

2005-08-02T13:47:00.000-06:00

My life has been, for the most part, quiet. My 30th birthday has come and gone and another year is almost over...well, if you consider that we still have all of August and 4 more months to go. Yet, it does feel as though this year is almost over.

Right now, I kind of like the fact that things are quiet...there are things that I'd like to change, but at the same time, quiet is, for the first time, kinda nice. I just need to avoid falling into a rut and miss the world going by cause I'm comfortable with things being quiet.

The only new thing...I bought myself a 19" LCD monitor for my birthday. My old monitor started to squeal so it was time for a new one and the LCD does free up a bit of space on the table I use for my computer...it also has real nice, rich colors. So that's the newest thing going for me...a monitor.

My trip to Camrose has been put off again. I was supposed to go this past Saturday, but turns out whatever it is, a person forgot and was out of town, so it's going to be this coming Saturday. I still haven't got the foggiest idea as to what my mom's planning. It is still got me very intrigued whatever it is.

I have started writing again...not much, but I think I might have something I want to write about. I am just going to have to see how it goes before I know for sure.

Just Not Feeling Good

2005-07-21T00:24:00.000-06:00

A part of me feels like whining a little bit and so I will.

My birthday is this Sunday...I'll be turning 30. That's not so bad I guess...given that some time ago I never thought I'd make it to 25. However, despite the upcoming day, I have a funeral to attend on Saturday...not something I'm looking forward to. Then again, I don't think many people look forward to going to a funeral.
The memorial service is going to be at 11:00 AM and will be conducted at the site of my dad's grave. Apparently my grandfather had wanted to be cremated. The urn is going to be placed by the headstone at my dad's grave. I haven't been to that grave site since the day I helped carry the coffin...I kept meaning to go pay a visit, but never really brought myself to just go to the cemetery and visit. It's going to be odd...at least that is the feeling I'm getting right now. I could be wrong, but we'll see.

On Hold

2005-07-20T13:10:00.000-06:00

This past Saturday, my grandfather passed away...

There's not much more I can say at this time. I'm still coming to terms with the whole thing.

Heartless

2005-07-15T13:10:00.000-06:00

Here is a situation that I am trying to resolve, yet find myself at a lose.

Situation: I received a phone call yeterday from my mom stating that my grandfather (my dad's father) was once again in the hospital and near death. In fact he was going into surgery at the time my mom called. The doctors did not know what was wrong with him, but did not have high hopes for him; from what I was told, the doctors feared that he might not make it through the surgery and even if he did, they did not have high hopes for him surviving for much longer afterwards. Now, it was asked if I wanted to go see him at the hospital, assuming he survived the surgery. At that time, I did not know and later that night I learned that he did survive the surgery, but was not doing too well. Apparently there is an infection in his blood, his blood pressure is very low, and he is on a respiratory machine.

Now, this is the problem: I don't feel the need or desire to go see him. And this concerns me a little. I can think back to when I was much younger and at how much fun I had with my grandparents', but the last decade I have grown away from my grandfather...he is an immigrant from Spain and has many Old World attitudes that have really become apparent in the last few years. Also, the fact that I did not go into a trade of some such or have any inclinations to make a living working with my hands (in terms of building, construction, or stuff like that) put us at odds.

So, I'm conflicted in that I want to honour the memory I have of my grandfather of long ago and to do so, I don't want to remember much of what has happened in the last few years. Another part of it is that I cannot stand being in a hospital...too much time spent there myself both as a patient and for work...you do not see people at their best when in a hospital and that is not a sight I want to be left with. I think I'm also biased here because I watched my dad waste away and die (he had Lou Gehrig's Disease) and I can't handle seeing someone I thought strong and sure laying wasted and guant.

Yet, I am somewhat conflicted with the notion that by not going I am appearing to be callous and uncaring about the situation. I don't think I'm a cold, heartless bastard, but there is still the feeling that I'm coming across that way. Will I regret not going to see him one last time? Again, I'm not sure...I still have all those memories of being younger and playing games and enjoying time with my grandparents...

Any feedback would be appreciated.

Numb

2005-07-13T07:56:00.000-06:00

So...I'm feeling a little numb this morning, emotionally speaking. Though, I don't think numb is the right word. Dejected might be a better word...crushed also comes to mind.

I have to ask myself, am I that much of a social reject? It seems that whenever I find myself interested in a woman and finally get to the point of seeing if there is a chance of a relationship, I always get the "just want to be friends" speech. Either that or I wait too long and end up losing the chance altogether. Still, the whole thing does leave a pain in my heart...

Now, this time around I wanted to know if there was a chance of anything happening in the future with this person, and I appreciate her honesty and straightfowardness. I wouldn't have it any other way...I despise the stupid head games people play with each other...but still, it hurt and still hurts. The odd thing about it is, I figured my chances were low to begin with. Maybe that's my problem...then again, any time I've thought there was a chance and focused on there being a chance, the let down was far worse. Still, last night was a bit painful.

It is said that we are our own worst critics and I have to agree with that sentiment cause right now I'm going through a whole lot of nasty commentaries about myself. In looking at my faults and shortcomings, I am too shy. Problem is, I truly am a social misfit. I grew up with very few friends...I had a couple of friends on my street and that was about it...most of the time I spent riding my bike (when it was nice outside) or with in my room with my toys and later books to keep me company. It wasn't till High School that I started to have friends around my own age with similar interests...it was also in High School that I was introduced to role-playing. Anyway, back to being too shy...

I am introverted and it takes a while for me to be able to speak freely around people...even then I am reserved and cautious with what I say and how I say things. I'm more concerned about how other people feel than how I feel so I am constantly keeping my thoughts in check before saying anything aloud. Also, it doesn't help that I don't like to interject when someone else is speaking so I have a hard time inserting myself into conversations. On top of all that...I hate my voice. The voice I hear when I speak sounds okay, but when I hear it played back...I hear someone that sounds slow-witted. Harsh? But that's the truth of it...I really do not like my voice, but I'm stuck with it. Add to all of this a low self-esteem and I think one can see where my problem is.

I have tried several things to overcome my shyness...from public speaking courses to even live role-playing, but whenever I get to a point where I want to say something to someone or speak to a crowd, I get all twisted up inside. It feels as though something is squeezing my heart, my stomach feels like there's a stone in it and I lose all confidence. The only way I can speak to a crowd is to move about...it does some good as it seems to relieve some nervous energy, but when I try to talk to someone privately, specifically if it is a woman and it is a personal discussion, I freeze up and can't say anything. It takes me forever to say what's on my mind and most people don't have the time to deal with that...at least that is the impression I have gotten.

Over all, I think I'm holding out better in this case than in other past cases, but it is still a hard blow. Maybe I'm making too much of the whole thing? Did I honestly think I had a chance in the first place? I would like to have thought so, but maybe I was just fooling myself? Honestly, I don't know. I think I might have and therefore was willing to take the chance, but I think deep down I may have known it wouldn't pan out. C'est la vie (I think I horribly botched my French here...it's only been 13 years).

In closing, there are things that I still need to work on in my life and I realize that. I am trying, but maybe not hard enough or doing the right things to address them. Then again, what do I really know about social interactions? Not much. Anyway, it's that time again for me to head out for work. Till next time I write...take care and spend a moment and reflect upon yourself.

Thought Snippets

2005-07-12T07:58:00.000-06:00

Just some random thoughts going through my head right now...

Will there be hockey (NHL) this coming fall, or will the lockout continue? Personally, I am on the side of the owners in the issue as many players are making way too much money. I also think the quality of the game has gone downhill over the years. I grew up watching games during the '80s and I think that was the height of fast-paced, high scoring games. Doesn't hurt that I'm an Oilers fan and the Oilers pretty owned much of the 80s. Still, with the way things have been going and with the recent lockout (and subsequent loss of a season) I wonder if the NHL can survive. I do believe that the players should be adequately compensated as they risk severe injury, but I don't think there are many players who are truly worth multi-million dollars a year. This is a sport and they are being paid to play a game...come on. I would love to be paid to play a game...hmm I wonder if any computer game companies out there need a quality assurance tester? Anyway, I just heard that the NHL is thinking of adding four more teams to the Playoff layout...the hell? First, they don't have a deal in place yet to solve the lockout issue and second, do they want the season going into July? They're going to need to shorten the regular season for that. I can still remember when hockey and the playoffs ended in April (or even earlier), but then again, there were fewer teams and less regular season games. Guess I'll just have to wait and see...I hope things work out in the end.

Other stuff, outside of hockey: The trips to the chiropractor are paying off which is good. I just have to get into the habit of starting off with doing the stretching exercises first thing in the morning then having my shower.

On the drawing front...my ambition to draw has taken a hit. I still want to draw, but with a lack of a starting point I'm at a loss. I've picked up a couple of books to help, but even then they don't provide a starting point. The few attempts that I have made have left me thoroughly unimpressed (and I'm aware that the first attempts aren't going to turn out all that great). I just need to find that something to get started. I'm going to start looking at actual art classes to see if that might help.

On the writing front: I have hit a brick wall...again. I really want to write something and I know I have something to write. The problem is nailing down what it is that I want to write and then sticking to it. I have so many ideas and thoughts that I keep starting new projects and then scrapping them cause they're not working out and I think I have a better idea. I try to plan my projects...I've gotten really good at writing up pages of things that I should do and not do as well as coming up with info that will likely never make it into the actual story. The story is still eluding me though. I have some definitive thoughts as to what the story will be about, it is just trying to fit my desires and perceptions into the framework that has formed. I will struggle on and perhaps finally get something out on paper. As an aside, I have not written any poems for a couple of months now which means I am likely due for a sudden spat of inspiration in that area. I don't know if my poems are good or truly inspired, but they are a way to appease the artistic tendencies within me.

The romantic front: Nothing new for me in this area...yeah it may seem that I'm a little obsessed with this aspect of my life. It could be that I'm turning 30 in a couple of weeks and I'm tired of being 'alone'. I have had one relationship and that ended in 2000. I have learned much about myself in the five years since and I have also learned much about life in general as well. Still, patience is a virtue and I will continue to wait. I have met someone...unfortunately there are circumstances and issues that need to be resolved and even then I'm not sure if I have a chance...yet I'm going to wait. Call me crazy, but what else am I going to do?

So, that's it in a nutshell for now. Just have to see what the future holds. Take care and I hope to keep in touch with you all.

The World is Dull

2005-07-05T13:53:00.000-06:00

I am feeling particularily uninspired today, moreso than I normally am. Part of it is the heat...I hate the high, dry heat we get in this city. Like the sun and like the fact that there isn't snow on the ground and everything looks alive...just don't like the heat. Which is odd cause I don't mind the heat down in Florida...probably because it's humid. Though I know a lot of people who really hate humid heat. Anyway...

So nothing really new is happening in my life...still. Though that doesn't mean I doomed to a boring future. Apparently my mom has something big planned for my birthday that will take much of a day. I have no idea what she's planning and I'm not going to guess. I'll think of something and then get disappointed because it turned out to be something different. So, I will just wait and see. Next month, I will be going to a friend's wedding...and it sounds exciting.

My opinions on certain matters have not changed, but I've re-discovered an interest in miniature battle games. I got tired of Warhammer and Warhammer 40K a while ago and was on the verge of giving up on collecting miniatures all together (I still bought a few miniatures to paint...which I still need to do), but a friend of mine just introduced me to a new game called WARMACHINE. It's very cool. It's almost a Steam-Punk setting. I especially like the WarJacks...small mechs driven by steam power and magic. To me, that's cool. I've started to pick up miniatures for the game and have gone over some of the rules...one thing I found that I thought was really cool is that a mech can pick up a person and throw them across the battlefield. Okay, so this might not be exciting for the majority of people out there, but I think that'll be a blast.

Okay, so maybe things aren't as dull as I thought...but then again, perhaps I was just taking an outside look at my life. Anyway, back to work I go.

Lyrical Interlude

2005-06-27T06:31:00.000-06:00

I recently bought the new Audioslave CD "Out of Exile" and have found, for the most part, it to be an awesome CD. Overall, it is better than their debute albumn and there were some really kick-ass songs on the first CD.

That being said, there are a couple of songs on the new disc that really struck home with me in terms of the lyrics and the music arrangements. Following are the lyrics to one song that feels close to an ideal I am striving for.

BE YOURSELF - by Audioslave

Someone falls to pieces
Sleeping all alone, someone kills the pain
Spinning in the silence
She finally drifts away
Someone gets excited in a chapel yard
And catches a boquet
Another lays a dozen
White roses on a grave

And to be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do

Someone finds salvation in everyone
Another only pain
Someone tries to hide himself
Down inside himself he prays
Someone swears his true love until the end of time
Another runs away
Separate or united
Healthy or insane

And to be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do

Even when you've paid enough
Been put upon or been held up
With every single memory of
The good or bad, faces of luck
Don't lose any sleep tonight
I'm sure everything will end up alright
You may win or lose

But to be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do

So, anyway, that is that for now. Take care and I'm sure I will have more to say about many things in the next little while.

News and Info Time

2005-06-21T13:30:00.000-06:00

Let's see, had another visit with the chiropractor yesterday and another for tomorrow. All in all, I think things are good in that department. I haven't had quite the stiff, painful neck that I used to and my back seems to be less tense. Guess time will see how much better things will get.

On that note, I should look at doing something in the way of exercise. The problem is, I want to, but I hate going to the gym alone. I'm generally good to go for the first two months, but I need to see results now so I tend to get frustrated with the apparent lack of progress and start to slack off. I'm not sure if the gym is necessarily what I need to be doing to get into shape, but it's a starting place. I have been thinking about going back into martial arts...I took karate for close to a year and enjoyed it. Just have to figure out exactly what I want to do in that regard and then do it.

Things are going forward in some aspects of my life...I just have to get a handle on a couple of other things and I think I might be able to say I'm set...for the time being at least.

Ultimate plan for the year 2005: Have things in place to be getting a place of my own sometime in 2006.
Chance of Success at this time: 20% likely

Back cracking

2005-06-16T11:29:00.000-06:00

So I've finally gone to a chiropractor...after seeing my doctor about a pain that flared up in my right hip it was suggested that I go see one.
So I filled out the paperwork and mentioned the stiff/numbness in my back and neck. The chiropractor did some tests and said that there is going to be some work involved in getting my back (let alone my hip) back in good order. Then, he proceeded to cause something to pop in my lower back, another in both hips, a couple locations in the mid back and finally, two spots in my neck. There is something weird about trying to relax your neck and body when there's a guy gripping your head and turning it to a side. I know it's not going to be bad, but natural instincts do kick in. But, it was absolutely amazing. I felt these tiny little pops and suddenly some of the pain/numbness is gone. Today, I'm still feeling good (I went in on Wednesday), but I do feel some pain in the areas that were adjusted. Oh well, I guess that's why my doctor had prescribed Advil...

Anyway, I have another two sessions next week and will likely end up having at least another half dozen in the following weeks. I just wish I had done this sooner than waiting for something to flare up and make the act of getting out of bed akin to some form of medieval torture (not that getting up to go to work isn't a mode of torture). But, I think things are going to get better for my back and neck and that's a good thing.

Getting to Know Me Better (I think)

2005-06-07T13:11:00.000-06:00

Okay, the following was taken from a friend's blog who had taken it from another friend...I'm generally not that big on these things, but figured what the hell?

1. First name: David
2. Were you named after anyone? I'm not sure...
3. Do you wish on stars? Once, long ago, but have since lost that part of me somewhere
4. When did you last cry? I think the last time I truly cried was the night after having to give up my cat Rose. I do get weepy from time to time, but I tend to keep everything locked up inside me.
5. Do you like your handwriting? It is neater than most, but I think there could be significant improvement.
6. What is your favorite lunch meat? I can't recall the name of it, but there's this wonderful Italian ham...hmmm
7. What is your birth date? July 24th, 1975
8. What is your most embarrassing moment? Most embarrassing haha, or most embarrassing oops? Given that I don't interact a lot or go out, I can't recall. Sorry.
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with yourself? I think so.
11. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? Never...Once I say I won't tell, I don't.
12. Do looks matter? Yes...to a certain extent.
13. How do you release anger? I have kept it in check and bottled in for so many years now...I'm scared that I'm going to blow up...I deal with stress through simulated violence on my computer or watching certain movies.
14. Where is your second home? I don't know...perhaps down in Daytona Beach, Florida.
15. Do you trust others too easily? I tend to hope for the best in the people I meet, but I also have a knack for knowing who I can and cannot trust.
16. What was your favorite toy as a child? A teddy bear
17. What class in high school do you think was totally useless? French
18. Do you have a journal? This blog and I have kept the occasional journal throughout the years...but after a while I forget and lose the book.
19. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Often, with friends. Though I will sometimes miss it when someone is using it.
20. What is your favorite movie? 13th Warrior, Count of Monte Cristo
21. What are your nicknames? Dave; online I tend to go by Vampyre or LrdVampyre
22. Would you bungee jump? No
23. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Depends on the shoes I'm wearing...my dress shoes don't have laces and the sneakers I have are worn enough that I can slip them off without untying them.
24. Do you think that you are strong? Yes, but I don't know my own strength
25. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Rum 'n Raisin
26. Shoe size? 10 1/2 - 11
27. What are your favorite colors? Black and reds (and some purples)
28. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My weight and my lack of self confidence
29. What do you miss most? My cats Rose and Topaz...they're both in good hands, but the fact that I had to give them up still hurts
30. Do you want everyone you sent this to, to send it back? I didn't send it to anyone
31. What color pants are you wearing? Black dress pants
32. What are you listening to right now? Three Pistols by The Tragically Hip
33. Last thing you ate? A fruit muffin from Tim Horton's
34. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Hmm...midnight blue
35. What is the weather like right now? Sunny, slightly overcast
36. Last person you talked to on the phone? A friend of mine
38. Do you like the person who sent this to you? I took this from Jenn...who I like, who in turn took it from Anne...another person I like.
39. How are you today? Doing good, considering it's day two at work after two weeks vacation.
40. Favorite Drink? Canada Dry Ginger Ale, followed by Iced Tea
41. Favorite Sport: Hockey...I'm a die-hard Oilers fan. After that, CFL Football (Eskies rule) and soccer
42. Hair Color? Brown
43. Eye Color? Brown, with gold flecks
44. Do you wear contacts? I was taught that one does not jab one's finger into their eyes...No I do not and will not wear contacts.
45. Favorite Food? Steaks and lobsters
46. Last Movie You Watched? Star Wars 3...which I truly enjoyed
47. Favorite Day of the Year? Any holiday Monday or Friday
48. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? Happy...I'm a sap for happy romantic endings.
49. Summer or winter? Autumn actually. It's nice and warm without a whole host of bugs nor the nasty slippery icy roads. I can't stand the dry heat we get here and I hate the ultra-cold it gets. My preferred temperature range is -5 to +15
50. Hugs or kisses? Please...
51. What is Your Favorite Dessert? I'm not going to try spelling it cause I'll mess it up, but it's an Italian pastry with a heavenly creamy icing and a hint of coffee.
52. Where Would You Want to Go on your Next Vacation? Scotland, Sweden, or Switzerland

There you have it.

I'm BACK

2005-06-06T13:18:00.000-06:00

Hey all, I'm back from taking time off...though honestly, I never went anywhere at all. Guess for some reason taking time off of work meant taking time off of the blog. Sorry for the extended silence, but I think I needed it for a while. Just to step away from everything and let my thoughts wander, which they did. I'm amazed at how quickly two weeks went by, but it was good, even if I spent a majority of it immeresed in the enthralling world of Warcraft. I did manage to get out of the house on a regular basis and do other things, so I'm not that addicted to the game...I hope.

Any way, I was checking my e-mail this afternoon and noticed that there had been a recent comment posted on one of my older posts (the post is called The Confessional). Here's the comment:

I'm a practicing Catholic. And despite one of the previous comments, Confession is the norm. It is one of the seven sacraments instituted by Christ when he said to his apostles (the first bishops/priests) that the sins you forgive are forgiven and the sins you retain are retained. You can't just do away with a sacrament and have it not be the norm because people feel its uncomfortable or not modern. And so this is the only way one can be 'healed' of ones sin and its guilt. It's not supposed to be used in the place of a therapist. However, often is theraputic, because even a therapist can't rid you of guilt because the only way to do that is to be forgiven for the associated sins, which which only God has the power to do. Confession is a supernatural event where it's not the man or priest forgiving your sins -- that WOULD be inappropriate -- but Christ who is forgiving them. The priest only represents Christ. By going to confession you in reality interface with God in a realy and supernatural way; he forgives the sins if you are sincere and try not to commit the sin again (although this often involves still having to make reparation to those who you sinned against)and Christ truly bestowes his grace upon you to help spiritually strengthen you. The sacraments are "outward visible signs of inward spiritual grace to which the promise of Christ is attached." And in reality, we should be thankful to have it because we all know human nature and practically speaking, it does make a difference to physically and formally admit our sins to someone in order to be honest with ourselves. Because you can justify anything. Hope this helps a little.

Unfortunately, the comment was anonymous so I can't respond to the writer directly that way so I'm going to have to respond in the next way I know how...right here.

I respect what is being said and I am not one to go out of my way to slap other people's beliefs around and there are points in the comment that I agree with. However, there are a couple of things that seem to raise something in me.

"Confession is a supernatural event where it's not the man or priest forgiving your sins -- that WOULD be inappropriate -- but Christ who is forgiving them. The priest only represents Christ. By going to confession you in reality interface with God in a realy and supernatural way;"
I have a problem with this statement in that there is nothing supernatural, at least in my opinion, with the act of confessing one's sin. The priest is a person that you are speaking to. I was admittedly not raised within the Catholic church so that is my first point of ignorance as to their practices. I was first brought up in the Baptist Church and then went to Presbyterian...I am a Protestant so that might again make me somewhat biased against the Catholic church. The other thing is, there is only one thing that is supernatural...God. God is outside of and not constricted by the 'laws' of nature as He is the Creator. I was also taught that, to receive absolution from sin, one prays to God through Christ. Christ was given to us by God to act as the intermediary between the sinful man and the purity that is God. Christ was God made flesh and Christ sacrificed himself for us as the price of our sin. To go through another man to go through Christ to get to God...doesn't make any sense to me. That being said, I applaud the commentor's values and beliefs...it struck me as honest and sincere and I appreciate that. I know my comments my be a little harsh, but I don't like trying to couch my words to sound flowery and deceitful. Honesty...that's what I go for.

As for the rest of the comment...to be free from guilt, in my opinion, you first have to be honest with yourself. Then you need to take it to the next step and be honest with those around you. Certain guilt may need the help of a therapist or a confidant...guilt associated with sin, that of course needs to be brought before God. I don't understand why one would need to speak to another man to be forgiven of sin...it's unfortunate, but it's easy to make things up when you speak to another person. When I pray, I know who I'm talking to and I know that He knows what is in my heart and soul. I find I have less guilt after prayer. I also realize what works for me doesn't necessarily work for everyone else. I might also be wrong, but I'm not going to stress over the issue.

In a round-about way of concluding this thought for the day, my initial post regarding the Confessional and the Catholic Church was done from the viewpoint of the possibility of needing to address the fact that perhaps certain methods or procedures should be looked at more closely. Change is a dangerous factor in the world today and not all change is for the better. I was simply looking to point out something I thought was 'flawed' from my understanding of things. If the Confessional (and the act therein) appeal to you and 'works' for you, then who am I to stop you. My only concern is about the type of person I'm confessing to...

Why Do I Blog

2005-05-17T11:14:00.000-06:00

Having just read a couple of posts about blogging, I have to throw my two cents worth into the whole thing.

I blog cause I hope, that through putting my thoughts down and allowing others to see what is going on inside my head, that I might be able to better understand who I am and where I stand in this world. I have a lot of issues, some are probably just self-created phantasms, but I need to start somewhere in trying to realize who I am and this works for me. I don't write as often as I would like, but then I'm sure people have better things to do than read about how I haven't done anything new lately. Sure, my blogs can be a little more than an exercise in depression and bordering upon self loathing, but this allows me to work through those periods.

The only issue I have about blogging is the feeling like I'm just pitching my thoughts to the void. I've mentioned my blog exists to a few of my friends and occassionally I even get comments from people, but there are times when I feel as though I'm just sending out bits of electronic data to be lost in the expanse of the internet. I don't like going around saying "read my blog" to people cause I'm not comfortable in selling myself (despite almost three years of working in sales...). Perhaps it's the feeling that my thoughts are not that important or not as informed as other people; or that I'm just not comfortable with having people see what I think. Yet, I continue to post...

I know my thoughts and opinions are divergent from other people's, but that is what makes us individuals. Even if I might agree with a particular thought, I'm still going to have a difference of perspective and feeling about whatever it is that is being talked about.

The only disappointment I have with blogging, and it is likely due to a mis-perception of mine, is the lack of dialogue. Comments are nice and allows me to see if people actual read and are affected by what I have written...but even then, there is a lack of being able to have a dialogue with someone (or some people).

That is my two cents worth.

Some More Poetry

2005-05-10T13:37:00.000-06:00

Here's a couple of poems I wrote last year (wow, time flies)

Harbinger

The darkness you seek,
The secrets you want
The depths you'll go
I'll be waiting

The desire that fuels you,
The lust that consumes you,
The lengths you'll go
I'll be waiting

Power you want
I give
Truth you want
I give

The blackness that enfolds you
The caress given you
The chill that warms your soul
I have waited

You have come
The dance started,
Must be done

Rapture,
I give
Release,
You crave
Redemption,
Lost to you in my
Embrace

And the other one

My Own Reflection

What do you see
When you gaze upon me?
Do you see me or do you just see a face,
Just another drop in the ocean.
What do you see?
Do you see the false confidence
Or can you see the fear behind the mask?
Every face - a cover to another book
Are you willing to peer pass the cover?
Can you see the real me, can you see
Through the cracks?
I want to show you me...to throw
Off the mask, to open the book
But I can't
I don't know how to...fear
Built the mask
Too many years of wearing it...
Too many years of hiding behind it...
Too many years of playing at being someone else...
Now faced with the terrible question:
Who am I?
Do I know who I really am?
How can I let you see me like this,
Raw and formless?

There you go...

Time-Off

2005-05-06T13:22:00.000-06:00

I'm eagerly awaiting May 20th...that'll be the last day of work for two weeks. Two weeks to relax and recover from a whole lot of stress. It's going to be nice to just step away from the whole thing.

What am I going to do with myself? I know there's a couple of things that I have to get done. I desperately need to clean my room...it looks like a combat zone or the sight of a recent tornado. Part of the problem is I'm a pack-rat. Not nearly as bad as some people I know, but I have a tendency to hold on to things even when I know I will never have use for it again. I've gotten better and there's a whole lot of stuff that, really, I don't need and do not see myself ever using again. So, if there is anyone out there who happens to collect L5R cards or Lord of the Rings cards, speak now or forever hold your peace...With those gone, along with some other stuff, things will begin to be more manageable.

There's a whole lot of things I want to do...more specifically, there's furniture that I want to get, but ever since I've started thinking about what it would be like to have my own place, I have gotten a little leery about buying too much furniture. One, I have no place to put most of what I need to buy at this time. Two, I don't want to have the hassle of moving a lot of furniture/bulky items when I do move out. Knowing how much it costs for professional movers, I'm not interested in that headache/financial hit. This all hinges on the fact that I've started to think about getting my own place. That's going to be the kicker. I don't want a fixer-upper; I don't want something small or too big...I don't want an apartment. Then there's the mortgage. From what I've heard, I'd have a better chance of getting the money were I married. Apparently banks are not too keen on loaning money to single males for some reason. However, I should look into the whole thing anyway. I need to start somewhere.

Anyway, there is much I have to consider with regards to my future...and there are changes that need to be made in my life. I would like to have a few certainties, but right now everything is up in the air.

Till next time.

Thoughts

2005-05-05T13:15:00.000-06:00

Today, while waiting to hear back from a customer, I was suddenly inspired to write a poem...I did mention that I would likely be posting the occasional one, but haven't had any with me when I've done my posts. Before I get to it, I do have to warn you all that it's not a cheerful, happy poem and I think it needs some more work, but here goes:

The moon is
Red
This night;
A priest sells his
Flock,
32 silver coins the closing deal.
Elsewhere, another is
Nailed to a
Tree

All that is good
Lies tarnished.
All that once was pure,
Tainted
Corrupted by Lust and Pride

A darkness settles o'er
The Land
The chill of Death,
A tender caress
Upon the hearts of the living.
A terrible howl is carried
Upon the winds,
Carrying a hint of
Sorrow with the
Promise of coming
Horrors.

Hope flickers and dies
Extinguished by the winds of
Despair.

I am interested to hear thoughts and opinions on this.

Same old song...

2005-04-29T13:26:00.000-06:00

Not much has changed in my world, but then again it's only been a couple of days now since my last post. I am eagerly waiting for my first vacation this year to start...my last day is the Friday before the long weekend in May and then I come back to work on the 6th of June. I need the break, I really do. I'm not going any where this time, though I had thought about taking all my vacation time this year (almost four weeks) and go to Europe...then I saw how much the flight would cost and then I had to figure out how I would survive for that period of time. However, perhaps next year I might be able to make a go at it. I really want to go to Scotland and see Castle Stirling for one and I think I might even like to go to Sweden or Switzerland for a time. Something to start planning for I suppose.

I've picked up a couple new DVDs, but haven't had the chance to sit down and watch them. I picked up season 1 of the L-Word; a show that I've heard great things about and think I will enjoy immensely. The other one is a BBC production called Tripping the Velvet. Based on a novel of the same name. Again, looks interesting and again deals with a topic I have always found intriguing.

Anyway, I have Purgatory tonight...a wonderful Live action game that I've been enjoying for the last year. It should be quite interesting. Till I write again...stay well and be kind to yourself and others.

To Be! Or Not To Be!

2005-04-26T13:48:00.000-06:00

The immortal question...to be or not to be. No, I'm not feeling suicidal...at least I don't think I am. I don't want to die, yet at the same time, I feel a little tired with life. More specifically, I think I'm tired of my life. I'd like to try someone else's life for a while...I think mostly to just confirm my own suspicions that I'm not the only one who feels this way from time to time.

Nothing really new in my life at this time...I've joined the World of Warcraft craze earlier this month and have been impressed with the game overall. There are things that annoy me, but I cope.

I'm not sure what I want out of this life anymore...have I run out of things to hold my passion already? I'm to turn 30 in a couple of months and I'm already at a loss as to what brings me enjoyment in my life. I have some vague ideas, but nothing concrete. I suppose I shouldn't look for the concrete and just look for something and go from there. Then again, what do I really know about living anyway? I have spent the majority of my formative years alone in my room with my toys and computer...having more fun with just myself and my imagination. However, I'm tired of being alone with myself. I want something more, but there's this fear that's wrapped around my heart and stomach...a fear of taking chances, of letting go and enjoying myself in something. Of just letting go. I think I've grown too accustomed to holding back, of keeping everything in check and not expressing myself that now I when I want to express myself, I'm constantly worried that I'm going to offend or upset someone...that would just devestate me.

Anyway, I'm still pressing on, going one day at a time. Lunch is just about over...back to work for me.
Till next time.

Running on Fumes

2005-04-21T13:49:00.000-06:00

Wow, I didn't realize that it's been so long since my last post. Time for an update of things going on in my world...hmm, let's see...nope, nothing new. Well, there has been a slight increase in stress and feeling a bit frustrated with some of the things going on at work. There's a bit of frustration at being frustrated and stressed...but other than that, nothing real new or exciting.

I just finished reading a friend's blog and they had asked an interesting question regarding the apparent lack of passion in the world these days. The way I have been feeling the last couple of weeks, I have to say that I've seem to have lost a bit of passion for life. I wouldn't say I've slipt into a suicidal depression, but I have been slightly more depressed as of late. I would like to say that it's the sudden change in the weather here, but that's not it. I'm not sure what it is, but I've just felt rather empty. I don't like this feeling, yet I don't know what I'm going to do about it.

That's another thing I've noticed this last little while. I've become very good at picking out the flaws or problems with things, but not coming up with a solution...I've wanted someone else to do that for me.

I hate being frustrated and not knowing why. I don't like not feeling anything and not knowing why. I feel numb and distant from everyone around me...like I'm just passing through a moment in someone else's life and not mine...if that makes any sense. I want to weep, but I can't....The strangest thing is, right now, all that rage and anger I had held in for all those years now feels like a large ball of grief that is on the cusp of release, but this numbness is holding it in stopping it from leaving my system. I want to be free of all of this crap that I've let build up over the years, but just as I seem to be on the threshold of beginning a recovery, I find myself drained of energy and passion...

Right now, I'm feeling the loss of my dad pretty keenly now...
I'm also missing intimacy on all levels...I had it once and now the void just seems too great and threatening. Yet, I'm too scared to do anything about it and I get angry with myself...I think I'm probably rather abusive to myself holding myself to standards that are unreasonable. Or perhaps I'm disappointed in myself cause I can see the potential to achieve anything I want, but the lack of will to take the risks and chances means I fall short of what I desire. I don't know...and that's another thing that bothers me. I have suddenly all these questions, but no answer.

More thinking and contemplating ahead for me, I think...

The Confessional

2005-04-13T13:36:00.000-06:00

I have recently been engaged in a minor debate over the concept of the confessional with regards to the Roman Catholic Church. To be fair, I'm not Catholic and have never attended a Mass or other Catholic service outside of a friend's funeral. That being said, from what I know about the confessional along with my own opinions about religion (organized or otherwise), I have some opinions on the matter (don't we all).

I do not understand the need for confession. That being said, I believe fully in asking forgiveness for my sins by God, but I do not feel the need nor desire to talk to someone else regarding my periodic falls from grace. I have been told that confession is in part seeking guidance and council to aid one in preventing further falterings. It has even been suggested that going to confession is akin to going to a therapist...you are seeking professional help for something be it spirtual or physical (this includes emotional and mental aid). On one level, I think I might have to agree with that picture, however I cannot accept that notion with open arms. I think it is in part my intrisic distrust of therapists and psychologists. There's something dangerous about those professions that causes me to be very leery about what they say. This is not to say that they should be avoided and that they cause more harm than good...I'm just naturally distrustful of people who have the type of influence over someone that a therapist/psychologist has; and this mistrust also goes to the concept of the confessional.

I have my faults, of that I know for certain. I also agree that for some people, the confession is probably useful and beneficial for their daily lives. I just do not see the need to seek forgiveness or redemption from another man. I think that is where my issue with confession lies. From what I see, the act of confession is asking for the forgiveness of another man. My very core cries out against this. We are sinful beings and are by nature, imperfect. Only through the Grace of God is there salvation. Also, the Crucifixtion of Christ was the final sacrifice...through His death and resurrection is the penalty of sin removed from us. Yes, we still must strive to live a good life and avoid temptation. But we are human after all and we have our own flaws that will hinder us throughout our lives. In those times, we should be looking to God for guidance and help.

These are just my thoughts on the matter and I'm willing to accept the fact that not everyone will believe the same things I do. Some may agree with points, but ultimately, we are all individuals with some capacity to think for ourselves. All I ask is that some respect be shown to the opinions of each person...I try to do the same for others.

This is something I had not really thought of writing about today, but after some thought, it is something that I think I needed to say to others. This is a bit more disjointed and not nearly as tongue-in-cheek as Anne, but I do hope it gives those who read it some pause to consider for themselves what it is that religion means to them. As I said, I'm currently not a big fan of organized religion...from my perception organized religion has caused too much pain in the World at large for me to stomach. How many deaths have occurred because of religion? This is unfair, I realize, as I also believe that religion is very helpful for some people. I'm Protestant (Presbyterian), yet I haven't been to a church service in a few years now. Partly I had grown disenchanted with the minister of the church and the internal politics that were going on in the church. In the end, I did not like some of the more zealous messages and could not consolidate what the church was saying with how I felt about certain social issues. I have a firm understanding of what is true for me and it is offset with the willingness to be tolerant of the fact that others will disagree or just simply have different beliefs. I'm fine with that.

Any way, this is starting to rehash some of what I have said in previous posts. There are more social issues that I wish to discuss, but I will leave you all with these thoughts for the time being.

Till next time...

Ranting Speed, Mr. Sulu!

2005-04-12T12:31:00.000-06:00

Words uttered by a friend of mine some years ago in reference to how most people, while ranting, tend to speed up in speech and increase the volume without necessarily shouting. Unfortunately, the written word tends to lack that ability to portray such passion. Not unless you leave out the spaces between words...not a visually attractive means of conveying one's thoughts to the masses. Anyway, I'm still riled up about religion and politics...though I'm going to leave the big R alone for today.

Politics. What a wonderful pastime. Next to religion, one could say politics is the second leading cause for warfare in the world today. But let's ignore that little speed bump. I admit, I am not the most politically minded individual that I know. I don't like politics and I don't like how there are essentially no real differences between the Liberals and the Conservatives in this country anymore. When asked, I am a Conservative by choice, a Reformist at heart, and somewhere in all of that, I retain a toleration for most things in our society. Most things, not everything. I don't like the Liberal government, but I still have friends who are Liberal...sometimes I feel something akin to pity for them, but that's when I realize that I hate politics. These are my friends and they are entitled to their own views. I wouldn't want it any other way...which is why I think I would have loathed growing up in years before and just after the French Revolution. Too much politics...and not enough bathing. All-in-all, I just wish that politicians would actually take a moment to realize that they are supposed to be representing the people who elected them and that they should be responsible for their actions in that representation. Unfortunately, the motto of "power corrupts" is all too true these days; and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Do we need more checks and balances within our government? I don't know. I'm leery of bureacracy...and I think we need less not more. However, there needs to be some means to make the government on all levels more accountable to the people of this country. How this is done, I don't have the foggiest. Remember, I'm not that politically-minded. I merely have thoughts and opinions on the matter.

There are times where I contemplate distancing myself from society. Of packing up and finding some remote location somewhere, untouched by man...then I realize that I'm a creature of comforts. I like electricity as it allows me to run my computer. I like the access to toiletry and having a secure shelter. I admire those who can hack it out in the wilderness...I know I'd go nuts with just being messy and unclean. That's me though. So, unless there is a way to have these luxuries available while out in the bush, then I guess I'm stuck being a city-boy.

Any way, there are several things that I think need addressing by our politicians, but I hesitate cause I don't believe I know enough of the social issues within our own city to be telling some politician how to fix it. I could look into these issues, but this is where another flaw of mine comes into play...lack of motivation. It takes a lot of effort on my part to do simple things and I get distracted very easily. I like to learn, but I've become selective in what I want to learn and learning of bad things is a bit low on my list of things to be doing. Unfortunate, yes. I would like to think that I am a good person, yet I see what some of my friends are putting their energy and time into and I feel a bit guilty that I'm not doing something like that. Is it realistic to do such things as they are? Yes. I have a lot of time that could be put into doing positive things for the community and all of that, but I think I'm scared to. Scared of failing, scared of what I might feel, scared of a whole host of things that I can only begin to imagine. I'm a shy, introverted person and being out in a large group of people makes me nervous and down-right self-concious of myself and everything about me. There...a bit more about myself and my nature.

Can I change, perhaps. Do I want to? In some aspects, yes. Will I make the effort...unfortunately I think the need has to be great enough to counter-balance my fears and doubts about myself. The odd thing is...I feel uncomfortable receiving praise about things that I've done, yet I seek it out in a roundabout way to know that I'm doing things right or good.

Anyway...I have more to say about other aspects of society and myself, but have run out of time currently. Till next time...

The Rant Pt II

2005-04-11T21:54:00.000-06:00

Let's see, where was I? I was in the middle of a rant and ran out of time. I have a lot more in me and let's see if I can't put it all out on the line in a single go. Be warned, this will likely be a relatively long post.

Religion…everyone's favorite topic these days. Personally, I try to avoid religious discussions as the inevitably devolve into an "I'm right, you're wrong" argument. I know what I believe and I know that I'm pretty set in my ways that way. I know that what I believe is going to be different from what others believe and so on. I just wish that more people could be that tolerant. Most of my friends are, or at least they aren't trying to ram their belief systems down my throat and I'm not spouting off at the pulpit to them either. I think that's the problem with most religions on a broad sweeping generalization…there's little room for toleration or acceptance for different perceptions. Perhaps I might be wrong in not standing up and telling everyone exactly what I believe followed by the "and if you don't believe the same thing, you'll be going to hell" litany. That attitude ruffles my feathers and on the off chance that I might have been interested in at least hearing what x religion is all about, I just move on. Now, I will admit, that I'm not about to go out and experiment with different religions. That's just not my style. I'll listen to others talk about their religion and I might ask a few questions to clarify things, but I'm not going to run around searching for the right church. You want to know why? Cause I won't find the 'right' church. I've found the closest to what I believe and I'll settle for that. You see, we are all different people and there is no way we will all believe in the exact same thing in the exact same way. I'm willing to trust that what I know is true that there is a God and that Jesus Christ, the Son of God, was sent to Earth to save me from the eternal damnation caused by original sin. There's more to it than that, but that's the basics in a nutshell.

So the Pope is dead and the Cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church are starting the process of electing a new Pope. I have a fundamental problem with this scenario. Here you have several 60+ year old men looking for another 60+ year old man to run the Catholic Church. Let's see, these guys would have been in their twenties back in the 1940s and 1950s. Guess what, we ain't living in those years any more! This is the 21st Century! I don't know about you, but I know very few 60+ year olds that really understand where the world is at these days. I respect my elders and the wisdom that they have due to experience, but there are just some things that are fact…the young grow up to replace the old. Why is it, that while most major corporations around the world have a retirement enforcement for those who are reaching the 60-65 year old mark, yet the Catholic Church actively is looking for someone to lead them into this new Century who's over the age of retirement? I'm not saying they should be putting some young twenty-something guy on their throne, but they really should be looking at getting with the times. I admire their stance on some issues, but with the reality of the world these days, things like birth control and contraceptives should be embraced and not shunned by this church. I know most religions state no sex before marriage and all of that…and on one hand, I wish it was possible. However, with hormones and other factors, sex before marriage happens. There's no use denying it. There's also the fact that some people don't want the responsibility of raising a child…are they to be banned from the bedroom? Even if they're married?

I apologize if I'm covering stuff that I've already covered, but this is stuff that's on my mind right now and I need to get through all of that before going on to something else. Speaking of which, what else is there that is currently causing me frustration. Intolerant people for one, but I think that's an obvious one and doesn't really need much going into. I've already touched upon gay marriages…it's still something I'm not entirely comfortable with, but that doesn't mean I'm a hate-monger. I think I understand what the gays and lesbians are trying to do and, though I may not 100% approve of their lifestyles, it's not affecting me so why should I be offended by their lifestyle. It's a reality these days and we can't afford to just sweep the problem under the rug like we used to 10 years ago. Now there's something that ticks me off…lack of taking responsibility for anything.

I have noticed a trend in our society, seems to me it started about the same time that the PC (politically correct) movement started some time ago. I'm not saying the two go hand-in-hand, but the coincidence is there. Anyway, there seems to be a strong desire to find something that can be held accountable for the mistakes we make just so long as it isn't us. Whatever happened to accountability? I think we might be in a better way were people to just accept the fact that they made a mistake and owe up to it. Now, speaking from personal experience, there are things in our lives that, through no fault of our own, can cause problems for us in everyday life. However, by being accountable, I would think that we could strive to better ourselves as opposed to merely using circumstance as a crutch. Case in point: I suffer from clinical depression. For years I just existed, partly thinking that I was feeling sorry for myself for no reason (a large no-no in my family) and wondering when I'd ever be happy. I spent the majority of my life like this. At first, it was the onset of puberty then the perception of having a hard time of things with school life and etc. At no time did I really take responsibility for doing anything about my condition. One could argue at that stage of my life, it should have been my parents to have done something, but it all comes down on me…not wanting to take responsibility for holding myself accountable or others for that matter for finding out if there was in fact a problem with myself. Some years later, after the collapse of the only relationship (not a good definition of it, but it'll have to do for now) I ever had, I realized something…I needed to look after myself. Perhaps if I had actually taken some initiative instead of just bemoaning the cruel fate brought upon poor me, things may have been different. But that's the problem these days…no one wants to be held accountable for anything. People blame their parents, their neighbors, the stuff that's on TV and in the movies, but they don't or will not take a look at themselves first. "TV made me a bad person." Bullshit! You may have been inspired by something you saw, but you know what, you were still a bad person. Harsh? Yes. The truth tends to be that and I think that is another thing that is part of the problem…no one wants to hear the truth. I think a part of it is that very few people know what the truth is these days. Why people don't want the truth…I can merely speculate that it has something to do with people not wanting the reality of the situation to ruin their made-up world else they would then have to be held accountable for the things that they did or did not do.

It's partly this reason that turned me off of wanting a profession in the Court of Law. I was seriously contemplating going into Law to become a prosecutor…I couldn't be a defense lawyer. But just looking at how individuals could turn and corrupt the truth to get out of being held accountable for their actions. I see how people with money can get away with murder, yet the innocent are made to suffer by the injustice of what is allowed in the legal system. This is just one aspect of law, but it was enough to sour it for me. Why can't we just owe up to the truth? If I kill someone, I'm going to owe up to it. Plain and simple.

Let's see, what else is there. The news. Here's an organization that is supposedly reporting to us the truth of world events. Yet even then, the reports are colored by the journalist's perception due to experience (or the lack there of) and is further censored by other outside factors (government, corporations, editors, etc.). There was a time when I would actively read the news, but I have a hard time these days. Partly due to the fact that the only news you hear about is bad news or sensationalized news. Whatever happened to reporting on the good things that happen? Might not be exciting, but it would be nice to know that there is some good going on in the world. And I'm not talking about emergency relief programs setup to deal with the sudden natural disaster of the week. I mean, honest-to-goodness acts of kindness to our fellow humans. You don't hear about these anymore. Only murder, scandal, or some other shocking thing. If anything, I would think the news needs to be held accountable for the things it puts on the air these days. Someone once said that truth is stranger than fiction. The stuff I see in the movies doesn't compare to the things that the news will show.

Anyway, I'm starting to ramble and the rage is somewhat spent. Till next time...

Getting Warmed Up

2005-04-07T13:12:00.000-06:00

I'm starting to feel the swell of a need to be angry at things in general. Perhaps it's just a need to start working out my frustration with myself and the anger I've kept bottled up for over a decade, or perhaps I'm just getting upset with the general stupidity that I continue to run into each day.

Suffice to say, I'm likely going to step on a few people's toes with what I'm going to say. I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm tired of being sorry right now. I've I do offend, it isn't my intention to do so...I'm just not going to hold back with my thoughts right now. I've done that far too long and well, it's time to start some letting go.

Where to start? So many things happening and not enough time...I'll touch briefly on the recent death of the Pope. I understand why the Catholic church wants an elderly man to wear the mantle, but the problem here is, there is no progressively thinking going on in the church. That's its problem. The Catholic Church is still, from what I understand, at odds with the current trends in human interaction. Birth control....come on! Get with the times. Now, I will admit that I'm not 100% behind the idea of women priests. Perhaps it has to do with the conservative upbringing I received, but at the same time, I'm not going to rage against the institution if it allowed it to happen. So, the Church, in my opinion needs to have a younger, more fit man to be Pope. I'm also all for allowing the Pope to retire...at a certain point one has to wonder what really caused the decline of the Pope's health...was it just age or the fact that he had to constantly travel all over the world non-stop? I'd think that would have a major impact on his physical well being. Oh, just so you know, I'm not Catholic and never will be...I have issues with many of their policies.

Having started with religion, I will briefly touch on that every touchy subject of homosexual relationships and the debate over whether or not to allow them to 'marry'. I'm not going to revisit the arguement of what marriage means now or back 100 years ago. I'm not going to bring up scientific research stating only heterosexual unions can marry. I have a few friends who are gay (or whatever the term happens to be now) and I respect them for who they are. I may not agree entirely with their lifestyle, but you know what? I don't have to. As long as I have respect for them and they have respect for myself and what I believe, I'm fine. If they want to be married, so be it. Let them. Why should I stop them from getting a marriage license and having a ceremony? What right do I have to deny them their happiness? The only thing that I ask in return is that they don't shove their 'gayness' down my throat. I get just as pissed off with hetero couples who feel the need to make out in public. Get a fucking room! What goes on in your bedroom doesn't affect me...unless I happen to be there and then that's a different story all together. I don't mind subtle expressions of affections nor do I mind the occassional kiss...but when you start swallowing each other's tonsils and are trying to get it on through your clothing, please! If you're that hot and heavy, leave, go home, and do whatever it is that you do in your room. I don't need to see it and I'm sure that everyone else doesn't need to see it either.

Anyway, moving right along...I think I may just have hit ranting speed...I was going to try saving some of this for another post. However, I don't have much more time left before work calls me back to sit in front of a computer desk and listen to people bitch and whine about minor little problems that they could have figured out on their own were they to stop, take a couple of minutes to think about the problem...I'd be much happier if they did this. Nothing pisses me off more than having the same person call back a couple days later with a problem that I helped them resolve earlier that week. What the hell! I gave you simple instructions on Monday to fix this problem and now you call up on Wednesday with the exact same problem and you're telling me you don't know how to fix it. ARRRGH!!!!! That's when I'm really tempted to start up a killing spree on the spot.

Anyway...I warn you, I have more that I'm angry about. You have been forewarned.

Another Chance Taken

2005-04-05T07:39:00.000-06:00

Last week, I was faced with an option to either brush off an honest inquiry into how I was doing or to take the chance and open up to a couple of people. One would think the choice obvious, but given my predeliction to avoid getting myself hurt, it was a choice that I had to think through. After a moment of hesitation, I decided to take the chance and opened up to a couple of people that evening. All I can say is that I'm glad I made that choice. It has been far too long since I've had an actual conversation with someone...and I mean an honest, meaningful conversation. I want to do more of that.

Well, this wasn't as long as I thought it was going to be; it's more like a news flash than anything else. Till next time.

The Beast is In

2005-03-31T13:04:00.000-07:00

I normally don't do online quizzes, but found this one interesting...

You scored as The Beast. Your alter ego is The Beast! But that is only a name... you are kind hearted and sweet, people just misunderstand you.

The Beast

75%

Goofy

69%

Sleeping Beauty

56%

Peter Pan

50%

Donald Duck

50%

Ariel

44%

Pinocchio

31%

Cinderella

25%

Cruella De Ville

19%

Snow White

19%

Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego?
created with QuizFarm.com

Anger

2005-03-30T07:52:00.000-07:00

Some lines from Gowan's "Holding this Rage"

But holding this rage
Isn't your answer boy
Holding this rage won't lead you on
Holding this rage will tear you to pieces boy
Look what it's done
Holding this rage hasn't been easy boy
Holding this rage set them all wrong
Holding this rage tore them to pieces boy
Look what it's done
Just look what it's done...

And now some lines from Metallica's "St. Anger"

And I want my anger to be healthy
And I want my anger just for me
And I need my anger not to control
And I want my anger to be me
And I need to set my anger free

I just felt that these were interesting insight into some of the stuff going on in my personal life...

What's your major malfunction?

2005-03-28T13:15:00.000-07:00

Hmm...doesn't look so nearly as impressive as it sounds. Oh well, moving right along.

This is a continuation of sorts of the last post and a response to a couple comments that were made. Now, from personal experience, I know that I have placed a lot of energy into making sure that other people's satisfaction came before mine own. I never wanted to be the person to hurt others' feelings or rain on their parade. I know, with some friends, I might not seem like that, but deep down inside, I'm restraining myself for fear of causing you or someone else hurt or offense. In doing this, I have likely done myself a great disservice as I find myself pretending to be something that I am not from time-to-time. The worst thing is, I don't even realize that this is happening until it's too late. Think of it as a lie...you tell one little fib but it soon snowballs into something larger because to protect the 'truth' of the first lie, you have to tell more lies. Then once the truth comes to light, everything falls apart and you're left with a large mess. The question that is generally asked then is, "Why did you lie in the first place?" Hindsight is just that, insight after the fact. Now, I don't advocate lying and I would like to think that I am honest, but I know that I don't tell people the whole truth. Be they friends, associates, close friends, or even family, I'm always holding back.

Why do I do this? Or better yet, why do we do this? I know I'm not the only one and I can generally tell when someone's holding out on me so I'm not in the minority. I don't know why they do it, but I think I know why I do it. I do it out of fear. Fear of appearing weak, I think. I have a strong underlying need to be in control of my emotions and outward appearance...I don't know why, I'm just wired that way I guess. I fear what might happen were I to release that control...I'm not sure why, but I just do. I know I have a lot of rage and angst that has built up and left to stagnate over the years and every now and then something stirs that mix and I get scared of myself. So, I try to keep in control of myself in the hopes that I don't ruin someone else's day. Unfortunately, I think this has led to some serious problems on an inter-personal level with my life.

Let's see...it's all about starting with a little lie. A simple response to a question. "How are you doing?" followed by the lie, "I'm fine." The moment that's been said, you now have to visibly show that yes, in fact, you are feeling fine else the person you're talking with will know you're lying. So you pretend to feel fine, and for a time you may in fact believe yourself to actually be doing fine, emotionally. Then something happens and then you suddenly realize that you've been lying to yourself for all these years and that perhaps you're not doing fine. But then what? If you admit that you're not doing fine, do you then need to question everything else that you've done in you life? Every relationship you've made, every decision? If you've based your life on the fabrication of one, seemingly harmless, little lie then you may just have to do that. The prospect of that is extremely daunting and therefore most people are willing to accept the one lie and move on with their lives.

I think I am in the position of just starting to recover from the fact that a lot of the relationships that I've had over the past 15 years have been tainted by a lie. I'll explain a little more in a bit. I realize now that I've 'hated' people for no apparent reason and I missed getting to know them back then and am having to get to know them all over again (yes, Lazurus, you're one of them). I also know now that there are some people who I thought were good and close friends but aren't. I'm looking at myself now with the knowledge that I've lied for a long time and am suffering from shock now...perhaps that's why I'm so numb towards a lot of things recently.

Anyway, yes, I have lived a lie. The scary thing is, at one point, I lied so much that I had a hard time distinguishing fact from fiction. I had created so many masks for various situations and social groups, that I think I truly lost sight of who I actually am. And now, I'm having to pay for all of that. And I accept that cause no one else can. I'm responsible for creating the lie and I am going to have to be responsible for setting things straight. I know I have gotten parts of my life back in order, for the most part, but I am sure that I have a lot more work ahead of me. I do know that the process started back when my first and only intimate relationship was coming to an end. I knew there were things wrong, but was unable to do anything as I was unsure of what needed to be done. I thought that if I was just (can't think of the word, but it means to give into another person's wishes)...submissive (?) that everything would be okay. Yet, even then, a part of me rebelled against that. Ultimately, I was afraid that I was weak and therefore I couldn't bring myself to admit that there was a problem until it was too late. Then, I was too foolish and pissed off with myself to do anything about the immediate situation after the breakup...I'm still choked up about the whole thing.

It was after that relationship ended that I realized that perhaps I was not doing fine after all. I knew I had depression, but did nothing about it. After that, I went onto anti-depressents as I had to admit to myself that I had a problem and not doing anything about it wasn't helping. Shortly thereafter, I found out I had narcolepsy and have been treating that for five years now. Like I said before, I've started to get things back on track in terms of my life, but there is much more work to be done.

One last thing...I have many friends that I don't see as often as I should and that is unfortunate. I count most of them as being good friends, some of whom have been with me in my worst bouts of depression. I apologize for not seeing you as often as I should or talking with you as often as I should. I'll explain why later, but for now, please accept my apologies. You deserve better than I have given you...for that, I am sorry.

I Think I'm Missing Something...

2005-03-26T05:44:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to figure out what exactly brings me joy in my life and, horribly enough, I can't think of anything specific. I mean, I like spending time with friends, but then, there are some friends that I'd rather spend less time with than others. Other than that...I'm bored with computer games; currently they take the spot of 'time waster' at the moment. I'm bored with trying to paint miniatures and I'm despondent with how my attempts at drawing have been going. Maybe I'm just too stressed out...I'm not sure.

I see people around me who are generally happy most of the time (let's face it, you can't be happy all the time) and I wonder if I'm missing out on something. Yet, I don't know what that something is. In some regards, I've almost given up on trying to re-examine my life as, at this moment, I think I'm not liking myself very much. Yeah, I realize that's a large dose of self-pity, but I look at myself and I can see the potential for so much more, but I just squander the opportunities as well as the time. The frustating thing is, I see this and say to myself "This needs to change", yet it's like I don't have the energy nor that spark to get up and go. I just want to either sleep or rest most of the time. I've also started to notice that my comfort level in spending time with certain people has diminished greatly. I'm feeling a little frayed and there is an underlying current of rage that wants to be released, yet I'm not sure how to release it without causing an incident. Overall, I think I can say that I feel like I'm stumbling around lost.

Anyway, some good news/bad news:
Good new, I received the book I ordered from White Wolf on time...I got it earlier this week (on Monday actually).
Bad news (though more just aggrivating news): Having ordered World of Warcraft from Blizzard back in February, it has not arrived so being somewhat concerned at this lengthy delay, I sent Blizzard an e-mail asking about this. The reply was a UPS tracking number. Now, I have ordered from many places online before, and each time when I have received shipping confirmation, I have been given a tracking number. This was the first time I had been given a tracking number for my order from Blizzard. That didn't sit well with me. So I went to the UPS website and looked up my shipment. The shipment had arrived in Edmonton on February 8th but UPS could not deliver it because apparently they didn't have a full address. Following it further, apparently they contacted the shipper for address verification and then when they tried to deliver it, they went to the wrong spot. The fuck? Looking on the tracking page, it was displaying my current address for the destination so how the hell did they end up going to the wrong place? Someone please explain that to me. Anyway, shortly after that, they sent a postcard to the shipper...a fucking postcard! What the hell! This postcard was sent to get another address confirmation. Then, on February 22, UPS took the shipment back to Quebec to await disposition. Why? So, I sent Blizzard another e-mail informing them of this little...mishap. The reply, and I will give Blizzard this; they have responded promptly and on the same day that I've sent them my inquiries. The reply I got: have I tried contacting UPS on this matter?
Now, at this point, I'm pissed. I've had many orders couriered by UPS and this is the first time that this has happened. From what I gathered on the UPS site, they were waiting to hear from the shipper not the receiver. Also, during all this time, nothing was sent to me for tracking purposes or regarding a potential 'bad address'. I've sent UPS an e-mail, after spending several minutes on their website trying to find out where their customer service contact was. Grrrr!!! The game should have been here over a frickin' month ago and now it's sitting in Laval, Quebec. To say that I am unimpressed would be an understatement.

So that's been my life for the last little while. I did go check out the AES this last Thursday...I'm of two minds about the whole thing. I want to learn the sword (specifically the greatsword), but I'm not entirely sure of the class. Mind you, I've been not sure of a whole lot of things lately so I don't know if I'm second guessing it because I don't want to make the attempt or perhaps there is something about the class that doesn't sit right with me. I hate not knowing things especially when it comes to myself.

Till next time.

The Sound of Silence

2005-03-21T13:16:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lengthy break (though I guess I'm not nearly so bad as some other blogs I read), but there has been a reason for the break. I've had much to think about in the last several days, mostly due to a friend talking about watching a movie based on what happened in Rwahnda (I think I spelt that correctly).

Anyway, that started me thinking back to when I had done some research into war atrocities for a Junior High project...heavy topic for someone in Grade 9, but I was big into the war, especially World War II, and had thought to do something about warfare. I can't remember what brought my attention to the war crimes and atrocities committed, but I spent a lot of time looking into the concentration camps, though I focused on Auschwitz. I also looked into an atrocity committed by the Americans during the Vietnam Conflict (can't call it a war, cause there were no declarations by America or North Vietnam). I'm not going to go into all of the specifics of what I learned when did all the research (and I'm sure that I didn't even scratch the surface given the resources I had back then...this would have been back in 1988-89), but what I did learn made me give pause to a little philisophical issue.

Here's the question: Is man inherently good, or inherently evil? Now, most would like to think that people are inherently good and that the few (?) instances of evil out there are the exceptions. However, I think that we are inherently evil and that is through effort and the grace of God that we can overcome this baseness and perform such wonderful acts of mercy and compassion that we rarely hear about in the news today. The things that we are capable of inflicting upon others of our own kind are just bewildering at one level. I wish I could say that these acts of cruelty that we see in the news today shock and disgust me, but they don't. Instead, I just feel a little more disappointed with us as a whole.

There is one last point here, and it ties into the title of this post. We hear about these leaders that crush their countries under their thumb and of all the things that they have done to their people, yet while they were in power, we hear nothing. There is no outcry from the people as they are too afraid to and no other country wishes to say anything because they have good trade arrangements with the leader. The silence is as cruel as inflicting the actual torment upon the victims. I think it is the silence that surrounds these things that scares me the most.

There is a saying "Lest we forget". 60 years will have soon passed by since the ending of World War II. That is a lot of time and many of those who participated in that conflict are now dying. It has been significantly longer since the sacrifices made in World War I. We cannot afford to forget what went on and we cannot afford to let the future generations forget. "Those who forget their past are doomed to repeat it"...I can't remember the source of the quote other than that it was on a poster in my Social Studies 20 class. I believe that statement to be true.

I am signing off now...

A Brief Word From Our Sponsor

2005-03-11T13:01:00.000-07:00

No, this is not a commercial add...I've always just wanted to use that line and now that I have, it's time to move on.
Let's see...where to begin? All the people I know who are sick seem to be recovering finally, and I think I've just started coming down with something. In fact, I know I'm coming down with something. Head feels stuffed and my nose is acting up again. I swear, having gotten that one sinus infection has been hell. Any time I've gotten ill since then, it's always been the nose and sinsus cavity. Though in some ways that is better than having a nasty cough in the throat or chest. Still annoying as all get out though.

I am still awaiting the delivery of World of Warcraft to my house...hard to believe that it has almost been 6 weeks. Next Friday will actually mark the 6th week since receiving the shipping confirmation so if I don't have anything from them by the time I get home from work on Monday I'll be dropping them a line.

As for my drawing project...I am sorry to admit this, but it has gone on hold. I still want to draw and am working on figuring out how best to just get started, but I've allowed myself to get swamped with other stuff that I feel needs to get done first (though I'm sure that I'm just making up excuses to avoid the inevitable). I do hope to see this through to some kind of end, but that remains to be seen.

So work has been...long this week and I'm glad it's almost over. The performance review on Monday, early meeting on Tuesday followed by a short lunch break, along with a whole host of other things as me nearing my 40 hrs with still 5 hrs to go. Earlier this week it was suggested that perhaps I could come in an hour later on Friday (today). I thought about it, and honestly I can't do it. The hour less would have been nice (and makes up for the almost three hours of extra time I've already worked), but coming in for 10...I can't do it. I can't afford to let myself sleep in during the week...I do that and I really mess things up with my schedule. So, up at 7 with not much to do...I can't really get much done as most places don't open till 9 or 10 anyway, so I just came in at my regular time of 9.

This coming Monday promises to be interesting. I get to sit down with my supervisor to discuss my goals for this year. This is the first time I've ever had to do something like this and I'm not sure how I feel about it...anxious I think. Yes, anxious aptly describes the way I feel about this. Another feeling I have is a touch of apathy...I've come to the conclusion that I really cannot afford to let myself get that worked up about office politics and management. All I can do is go where their whims guide me...or to put it another way, just bend over and take it.

Oh well, I'll see how that all works out. Tune in next time to hear someone say:

"Daddy? Can I kill the bad man?"

Mixed Feelings

2005-03-07T13:18:00.000-07:00

Today, I had my performance review with my manager. The fact that I still had a job meant that I was obviously doing something right so I shouldn't need to worry about the whole thing. However, I'm the type of person who, when told I have to meet with an authority figure, gets nervous and anxious. Even if I can keep thinking "don't worry" I still get anxious. And, really, after what happened, I didn't need to worry at all.

So, I still have my job and my manager says I'm very good for the team (and all that other stuff). The only thing that I'm not sure about is the changes that are being done to this year's performance plan. The company calls them PPPs, I call them a living hell. We have to state what we intend to do and when it's going to get done by and it has to be trackable. Now, quite a bit of the stuff I have to deal with is a little vague and I'm not sure how you can track it. Examples being: program testing. I can say that I will test the in-house programs before they are sent out to our customers to make sure that there are no bugs. Now, I can track the stuff that I've done, but how do you prove that I was successful in making sure that there were no problems with the release? Most of our customers don't call us if they find a problem nor do they call us to tell us everything is alright. We have strange customers that way...I don't understand them and I've been dealing with them for 5 years (well, 5 years for internal users and 3 1/2 years for our external users). There are times that I really wonder about my job...the abuse we take, the lack of recognition (again from both internally and externally) grates me, yet I like working with the people and then there is the fact that I'm getting paid rather decently and all of the benefits...

I can cope with the stress most of the time, but I think I'm going to be looking for something to do wherein I can unleash pent up frustration and anger without causing myself or someone else permanent, lasting damage. The last time I vented, I ended up breaking a bone in my hand. That's a long story. Anyway, I think I'll be checking out the AES this coming Thursday: I've always wanted to learn how to properly use a two-handed sword. Still, there is restraint and control needed in this exercise. If anyone has any suggestions as to some sort of activity that will allow me to unleash years of anger and frustation in a creative, yet destructive manner (without breaking laws or people), please let me know.

Thanks.

Frustration

2005-03-01T13:37:00.000-07:00

I have hit a bump in the road on the way to drawing...how to begin. Or is it where to begin? I'm not really sure what it is, but I know I'm getting frustrated with my lack of drawing. The other day, I sat down and tried to get something done...after many starts followed by much erasing, I was left with a crinkled piece of paper and nothing to show for my efforts.

I don't know what it is...I have the drive and I have the patience, but my patience with myself is starting to where thin and once that's gone, my drive will likely follow quickly. A friend suggested I start with portraits first before trying to draw the whole body...yet I don't even know where to begin with that. I have some general ideas like getting the general shape of the head done, but that's where the problem begins. Perhaps I should get graphing paper and even a ruler to get this project started. I need something to keep things symetrical as I can't do it myself.

The thing that really is getting to me about this whole project is it is starting to feel like anything else I've started in the past. I get a wonderful idea, I have the drive and motivation to get it under way, and then I'm part way through whatever it is I'm doing and not feeling that good about the whole thing. Despondency gives way to feelings of absolute failure which in turn does a pretty decent job of killing off the drive and motivation. I have already begun to have second thoughts about drawing (not a good sign), however I am bolstered by the fact that all of this apparent negativity has not dispelled my yearning to be able to draw. I take comfort in that fact. Now if I could only get somewhere with just doing the basics.

Perhaps I'm trying too hard. Not sure how to explain that, but I have noticed that when I am trying to draw something, I can't. Yet, when I just 'let go' I've come up with something that resembles what I'm attempting to draw/sketch. Perhaps I shouldn't let myself get so hung up on the techniques and the methods and just start with 'stream of consciousness' sketching.

Guess all I can do now is do something other than bemoan my lack of progress and bite down on the rising bile of frustration and kick this think into high gear.

Till next time...

New and Improved

2005-02-26T11:20:00.000-07:00

I got my computer back on Friday...three days ahead of schedule. The motherboard and CPU have been replaced and thus far, everything is running nicely. In fact, the computer is running cooler than the old configuration which leads me to believe that the whole problem was with the motherboard from day one.

Anyway, I have a bunch of minor tweaking to do now...

Learning How to Draw

2005-02-24T13:35:00.000-07:00

Hmmm....for the longest while I've always wanted to be able to draw/sketch the images that I have in my head. However, the few attempts I have made in the past have well, sucked. Let's be honest, they were pretty bad. So, I put away the thought of drawing characters and the like and turned to other pursuits. Lately, as in the last couple of months, I seem to have been bitten by some kind of artistic bug...I have story concepts and ideas racing through my head now when there was nothing there before. Along with the urge to write something, I also have the urge to draw.

Unfortunately, I don't have the foggiest idea where to begin. I want to draw, but I don't want to get immediately discouraged by my starting sketches. I want to draw people...I'm not looking at drawing comics or anything of that nature. I just want to do portraits and full body poses...but I'm suffering from fear of failure. I want to draw well, I don't want to draw crap. I understand that I'm going to draw crap in the early stages cause I have to learn how to see and how to use my hand in ways I've never done before. But it is that dread of failure that seems to be causing me to drag my feet and resist the bubbling creativity and I know if I continue to do this, I will just end up killing this new, and interesting, avenue of creative outlet that has grabbed my attention.

I've picked up a few books on how to draw...some appear helpful while a couple of them are not so helpful. I've gone through and studied the one that appears to be the most useful to what I want to do right now, but even then, I get the impression that there are key basic lessons that I need to get first before I can understand some of the stuff in the book. I need to know how to start drawing a face and the like. Ultimately, I think I just need to suck it up and grab myself some blank paper and start drawing something. Right now I need to just start with something and start down the path of improving my skills instead of trying to convince myself that I will have the skill upon putting pencil to paper.

Lesson learned thus far: fear is the killer of creativity. Fuck fear.

Writer's Block

2005-02-22T13:36:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to write a story for the last 15 or so years. I have managed to finish a couple of stories in that time, but they weren't what I was looking for. I can't even count the number of started projects that have been abandoned due to my inability to focus long enough on a thought. I have all these ideas running around inside my head which I think could be great if I could write just the right type of story, but that's the problem. I'm looking for perfection out of the gate. I realize that this isn't feasible, that you have to do something a few times to get it eventually right. Unfortunately, I seem to be possessed by the need to do it perfectly the first time. If I don't like the way it's going, I give up on it and try moving on to something else. The other issue that complicates the matter is, I might be in the middle of writing something and then I think of some neat concept or scene and realize that it won't work with what I'm currently doing so I put aside project one and start on project two. Eventually I forget about project one and will have moved onto project 3 and 4 in the meantime.

I think part of the problem is that I took a long hiatus from actually writing anything. You see, back when I was in university, I took a creative writing course in my second year. I figured this would be great for me seeing as I wanted to be a writer after all. So I take the class and am pleased to discover that the course is broken down into two halves: the first half deals with short story writing and the second half with poetry. I'm cool with that. I like writing poems. Then, the first moment of anxiety: we have to submit our work (short story then poems) to be read by all the other students and the prof for critique the following week. Okay...I think I can handle this. So I offer to submit the first short story. After class, I talked to the prof about it as there were some concerns that I had that I wanted to get out of the way. The primary concern I had was that the story I had written was based loosely in the World of Darkness setting created by White Wolf. Given that I was attending a Christian University College, I wanted to clarify some things. So after speaking with the prof, I went home, did some editting and finished off the story...here's where I ran into the first problem: I had close to 32 pages printed (single space and at 10 pt font) when the prof had said that a short story should be around 5 pages double spaced. As I could not do too much more to the story (at least in my mind at that time), I submitted that to the students and prof.

I should not have shown up the next class. The way the critique was to go was that all the students would get to say something and then the prof would say something and then the writer would get between 15 minutes to a half hour to respond. Now, the class was 80 minutes in length. By the time I got to respond, there was about 20 minutes left in the class. That should have been my time, but the prof restricted me to 5 minutes. I may have been able to extend it to 10 by virtue of the fact that I had to respond to a couple things mentioned by students at the time they were mentioning it. Now, I admit, that there were things that I could have cut out of the story, but at that time, everything seemed to be part of the overall story and I wanted it that way. The final thing that just flat out drove me to despair was the prof stating the following: "I do not believe that a Christian writer should write on such a thing." Now, the whole premise of the story was the redemption of a character. Perhaps the subject matter was a bit dark, but you know what, so is the real world. Anyway, I left the class and decided to leave for the rest of the day having had my creative spirit utterly crushed. I got home and ended up writing a 5 page essay as to why I should never ever write again. I printed it and put it away. Except for essays, I did not write anything for nearly 5 to 6 years. Now, I'm trying again and the amount of rust that I have to shake off is amazing.

It's amazing how much one person's opinion and statements can affect someone else's ambitions and goals. I never really realized it till that day (though I wouldn't comprehend it till a few years after the fact). There are times where I would like to say to that prof that she was solely responsible for de-railing my dreams of being a writer. Then I think to myself, it would be better if I could prove her wrong and actually write and publish something. The problem is, finding what I want to write about and seeing it through to the end.

Till next we meet.

Computer Blues

2005-02-21T13:01:00.000-07:00

So, my computer seems to have died...again. This time, it had been complaining about a video device driver being corrupt. After discovering this, I figured the best solution would be to uninstall the video drivers and start over. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do. Shortly after removing the device drivers, Windows decides to start randomly rebooting itself. I was lucky if I had ten minutes of time on the computer before it rebooted. Not only was it rebooting on my, but it would occassionally give me cryptic error messages like: Hard Error. What the hell is a hard error? Is it hardware? Perhaps even the hard drive? What? Please tell me what the hell is wrong! But no, I'm told that I have a hard error. Next step, I decide booting up into Safe Mode should allow me to do what I need to get done, but alas that is not the case. Again, Windows proceeds to randomly reboot itself. Sometimes I get half an hour, other times I get a minute.

After a very long and frustrating night of having this happen, I decide that perhaps the hard drive is failing so I'll go out and by a new one. I buy said new hard drive on Friday. I get home, get everything installed and prepare to install Windows on the new hard drive. Methinks that is the first mistake. However, being the PC guy that I am, everything I have requires Windows so therefore I have no choice. Windows it is. The initialization and setup go flawlessly. I setup the basic info and sit back and wait...and wait, and wait, and wait. Eventually, the install fails at some point without really telling me anything. I reboot the computer as I don't have much choice in the matter. It comes up, and then I get the WinXP Blue Screen with the following error message: Hard Error. Fuck.

After spending much of Friday night trying to figure out the problem and getting nowhere, I end up calling a buddy on Saturday (after spending another 3 unproductive hours in the vain attempt to get an operational computer). Told him the problem, he gave me some suggestions, I tried them, and they failed. So on Sunday, buddy comes over and after another couple of hours of looking at it, we are left with the Hard Error message and no working computer. So buddy has taken computer to his place and is working on it...I am thinking I might just have to buy new computer.

There is nothing more frustrating than trying to fix a problem when you have no idea what the cause of the problem is. I did everything that I could think of before talking to my buddy (who had built the computer in the first place). Once that was exhausted, the only thing I could do was to figure out what parts of the computer would be classified as aerodynamic. Computers are great when they work, but the moment they break, I just want to scream. There is no indication of a problem, no strange smells, nothing that isn't powering up; everything appears to be in good working order. Which obviously means the problem is a simple thing like a loose connection (trust me, I've already gone through all the cables and everything is connected to where it should be connected). And of course, I really need to do some work that requires my computer and it's dead. Isn't that always the case though? I don't need to use it so it's working just fine. The moment I need to use it, it dies.

What makes this even more frustrating is, I have to respond to an e-mail from someone...unfortunately, I don't have their e-mail address and I can't access the e-mail cause the computer is down. There are times when I really despise technology and this is one of those times. The problem with tech is that it's advancing so rapidly, we have to trust that everything is stable and is going to work. Hah! My 486 was more stable than most of these modern day computers and somehow that frightens me.

So, now I can only access stuff from work during lunch hour (they frown on internet browsing while at one's workstation) until I hear back from my buddy on the status of the computer. Till next time...

Taking a Chance

2005-02-17T11:11:00.000-07:00

A couple of days ago, I decided I'd take a chance and ask someone out...someone that I've been thinking about asking out for a little while now. Given circumstances, I sent them an e-mail. I know what you're probably thinking, but it was the only way of getting a hold of her at the time. I may have seen her on Thursday (today), but trying to talk to someone in a loud public place makes me very uncomfortable. Anyway, I sent a 'letter'. The other day, I got a reply. Now, I don't use auto-preview with my e-mail...don't like it. So I'm sitting there looking at the e-mail and thinking to myself "Do I really want to open it?" Stupid thing to be asking oneself, right? I mean, how am I suppose to find out what her reply is if I don't open it? Taking a deep breath, I opened the message and...wasn't surprised by the reply. I've learned over the years that I shouldn't expect anything...it eases the pain of rejection a bit if you're not anticipating a particular response. Still, the effort of keeping one's expectations grounded can be taxing and when it's a rejection it still cuts a little bit.

Fortunately, this time around, the rejection wasn't one of crushing despair. I kind of figured that she might be going out with someone already, but not knowing for sure, the only option I had was to ask her. And that's what I did. Did I hope that she wasn't seeing someone? Yes. Am I choked that she is? Not really. I mean, I'm a little put out, but only a little bit. The fact that she said she would like to get together for coffee means that she doesn't think poorly of me and that's always a bonus.

So I'm still trying to figure out how I really feel about the whole situation. Part of me feels a little relieved at actually taking the chance and asking and finding out, yet there is the part of me that says "I told you so". I hate that part of me...the negative bit of me. It hasn't been very vocal for sometime now and I take comfort in that. I'm also taking comfort in the fact that I'm not feeling like the world has conspired against me or having the 'oh woe is me' reaction that I used to have when I was much younger. I'll take this as a good sign.

Family Day

2005-02-15T13:46:00.000-07:00

Another reason I dislike the month of February...the provincial stat known as 'Family Day'. Now, it's not the day that I have a problem with nor the concept behind it. The thing that I don't like about it is this: the company I work at follows only Federally regulated stat holidays. Essentially, where the majority of Albertans will be getting the coming Monday off, I get to come into work and get paid regular hours because Monday isn't a holiday. What can you do? So I get to listen to radio ads talking about the long weekend, people talking about how they're looking forward to having a long weekend. Though, I do have to take solace in the fact that the retail industry will be opened and people working during the stat. I used to work retail...there really is no such thing as a day off for that industry and having worked two Boxing Days (not to mention the Christmas Eve), I truly sympathize for those who work in retail.

I don't think many people realize the sacrifice these people make. They have to come into work when everyone else gets a day off. Sure, they may not have to work a full shift and they get extra pay (usually), but they don't actually get time off. Ever. Taking holidays was an ordeal for me. The abuse they get from customers alone is amazing. I know I had to count to 10 more than a few times to prevent myself from blasting a customer (verbally and physically)...the customer is always right. Whatever. I've dealt with so many stupid people (and still do) that, you know what, the customer isn't right! Grrr. You try to help these people and get insulted, told that you're not working fast enough, that you don't know how to do your job, etc. I've heard just about everything in my time as a sales clerk as well as being on a help desk. I'm amazed at the general stupidity of people. I really am. The customers I like are the ones who acknowledge that they may not know everything and are willing to work with me to find a solution (be it buying the right thing when I was in sales, or fixing a computer issue now). These people know that they don't know and are willing to listen.

So, I'm going to wrap this up now with the following bullet statements:

Spend time with your family when you can, not just on some Provincially mandated holiday
Give sales clerks a break; don't be in a rush and have a smile on your face
Treat sales people with respect, they'll give you respect in return
People are stupid; individuals may not be
Know that you don't know everything and admit it to yourself
Be willing to listen to an 'expert'; they just might know more than you about something
I am not an 'expert'

Good day

Roses are Red

2005-02-14T13:19:00.000-07:00

So it is that day...Valentine's Day, and I'm not doing to bad in terms of how I normally am on this day. Guess I've decided there's no point in feeling sorry for myself...Anyway, I still disdain this day for the commercial monstrosity that it has become.

Let's see, this weekend was spent having to get up early (like 6:30 in the morning early) so that I could drive out to Sherwood Park to take the Standard First Aid and C CPR course. Yes, I'm now allowed to practice first aid techniques on people. The irony is, I'm likely to be passing out trying to bandage someone's bleeding, broken arm. I understand why I took the course, but just listening to the instructor describe some of the things he's seen on the job and then seeing some of the pictures of burns and different types of open skin wounds that people get just makes me squirm. I see myself bleed, I have no problem with it. I see someone else bleed and I'm working to keep the contents of my stomach in my stomach.

So that was my weekend. I'm patiently waiting for World of Warcraft to show up in the mail. After seeing the game a couple of times (being played) and hearing everything about it (and reading up on it), I decided that I would finally give into the online RPG thing and pick this game up. Unfortunately, when I started looking for it, no one had it for sale. I would ask when they'd get it in next, and then come in on that day only to find nothing in stock. After much grumbling, I finally went to Blizzard's online store and ordered it directly. That was back on the first Wednesday of February. On the Friday I received the e-mail saying that it has been mailed and should arrive within 2-10 business days (along with the note that it could be 6 weeks due to it being an international order). So, on Saturday, I went to Kingsway and stopped in at the video game store...only to see about 20 copies of the game on the shelf. I grumbled quietly to myself and picked up another game I was looking for and left...I could have been playing WoW for the last week and a bit, but no! I couldn't buy it because I already did! I just don't have it yet. That's the only really frustrating thing about the whole incident. I own the game, but have to wait for it to show up on my doorstep. I wish I could have just taken one of those boxes, shown the store that I did in fact order and pay Blizzard for a copy and leave. Something tells me the store would not have done that. Oh well. So I have to wait.

Which leads me to another little frustrating thing...back in December I had found a couple of books on Amazon UK that I wanted, so I placed the order. I was told that the order would likely reach me in February. Well, beginning of February, I got an e-mail from Amazon UK saying that one book was delayed so that it might be another 4-6 weeks before they can ship the two books. Arrgh! The only thing that I can say is, the books aren't absolutely necessary to me so I can wait...and I'm waiting for another book I ordered from the company White Wolf. The release date for said book was Jan 31st...guess what, I don't have my book yet. The reason why? The release date was pushed back to Feb 14th.

I hate February. I think this month is specifically designed to mess with people and their plans. It would seem that I'm finally justified in my dislike of this month, but then again, perhaps it's all coincidence that all of my orders are delayed and whatnot.

I thought about ending off with some kind of poem to acknowledge that this day may hold some meaning for some people somewhere, and then I thought to myself, "Why?" I thought about slagging this day again, but again, why? It's one day out of 365 and there's no point in expending effort on belittling something that isn't all that important to begin with. So there!

Signing off

A Slight Change of Pace

2005-02-09T13:18:00.000-07:00

After talking about rather heavy topics, this is a bit of a change up. It's about a decision I'm having difficulty making. I'll lay out the facts:

Monday night is a gaming night for me. I get together with a bunch of friends and spend a few hours playing 7th Sea (swashbuckling role-playing game). However, the last few months, I haven't been having much fun as I'll show up and for whatever reason, not have much to do in terms of contributing to plot. The reason I've kept going has been two-fold: one, I really like hanging out with Raven and Cam and two, I secretly hope that the GM will move back to the way things were earlier on in the campaign. The first reason is the primary motivating factor though.

Now, I have been asked to join another game by another friend of mine. This game also runs on Monday so this complicates matters. The couple of reservations I have about this game is that it's an online chat so there's no real-life, face-to-face interaction with people; just monitor screen and keyboard. Also, it's using a home-built game system that I'm not sure of. I've looked at the information available online, but I feel like there's something missing. I've "sat" in on a session to see what is was like, and the game does intrigue me.

So the problem I'm having is, I like hanging out with the people at the 7th Sea game, but am currently not enjoying the game that much. There have been periods of "yeah, that was fun", but those have been episodical at best and when I feel I could be spending my time better, I know I'm not having fun. I want to try this other game out, but I'm not sure I like the game system or the static interaction that writing provides. Don't get me wrong, I'm a writer, and you can do amazing things writing, but without the body language, the facial expression, tonal inflection, the written word is rather...static.

Ultimately, the decision could be summed up as such: Drop the game that I'm not having fun in, but enjoy the company of the other players to join a game that I'm not entirely certain I understand (both in terms of mechanics and world setting).

It would sound like an easy thing to do, but I've been wrestling with this for the past month and a bit. What I think I might do is take a month or two break from the 7th Sea game and see what the online game is like...after that time, perhaps I could then make a final decision.

Suicide is Painless

2005-02-08T07:00:00.000-07:00

Before I get started, I just want to let the reader know that this is not a "woe is me, the world is a cruel place and I'm better off leaving it" kind of thing. No. I want to actually address the subject of suicide.

To give you some background, nearly 15 years ago I did make the attempt to end my life. Fortunately, several factors conspired against my success. First, the sickening feeling I was getting while trying to cut my wrist made the whole process difficult. The fact that I was also doing it wrong would have been a mitigating factor, I think. Anyway, upon realizing that I couldn't do it, I sat there and for the first time in my life I took a real good look at my life and tried to figure out why I was trying to end my life. Looking back on the situation now, I think I was being a self-absorbed git at the time and figured what better way to get back at the world by doing myself in. I am very glad and fortunate that I failed on that day and I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who are glad I didn't shuffle off the mortal coil those many years ago.

Now, 15 years later, I find myself thinking more about the issue of suicide. I will admit that, throughout the years, I have had brief flashes of ending my life, but I just shake my head and move on. So why do people kill themselves? I can only answer that with regards to myself; I was alienated at school and felt generally unwanted. That coupled with the fact that I do have medical depression made matters...Interesting. I believe whole-heartedly that I was looking for a way to get noticed and what more dramatic way than to kill oneself, right? I even tried to imagine how people would react to my death. I think it was during that time that I realized that I couldn't just step out from behind a curtain and everything would be all right. Death kind of precludes interaction with the living. After that thought, I really started looking at what I was doing and realized, possibly not consciously at that time, that what I was doing was rather selfish and ultimately foolish and stupid.

I do not mean to insult anyone who know people who have committed suicide. The loss of a loved one, no matter the means, is a tragic event. I just do not understand why people go through with the act. I understand that we can get overwhelmed by the demands of our jobs, family and friends, financial stability (or lack thereof), and a whole host of other things that leave us emotionally tired and drained. I also understand that for some people, depression is a medical condition that does make life that much more challenging. However, what I do not understand is this: how is ending your life going to solve anything? As a friend told me many years ago, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Then there is the grief that is inflicted upon those you leave behind; they're left with thoughts that perhaps there was something that they could have done differently or maybe if they hadn't done something you would still be here. The other reason I don't "get" suicide is due to my beliefs. As a Christian, I believe in the sanctity of life and that we do not have the right to take our own life.

So, to my friends and family, you do not have to worry about me committing suicide. Yes, I will likely always have brief 'fancies' of suicide, but I'll never act on it. For those who are contemplating suicide, I strongly urge you to talk to someone whether it be a therapist, your doctor, or a friend you can trust. Believe me, suicide isn't worth it and suicide is anything but painless.

St. Valentine's Day

2005-02-04T13:13:00.000-07:00

I know it's not for a few more days, but I'm going to deal with this personal issue now.

February is one of the months in the year that I hate. For some reason, this month seems like a Wednesday that's never going to end. Emotionally, I tend to hit rock-bottom during this month and just really couldn't give a rat's ass about anyone else. I've already been feeling the weight of depression on my shoulders and the numbing touch of apathy has already set in. However, the thing that sours my mood even more is this one day called Valentine's Day (or properly: St. Valentine's Day).

Great, a day set aside for couples to express how much they love and adour each other. And like other 'special occassions' it has been raped by the marketing departments of every major corporation in Western society. However, I'm not writing to rail against the commercialization of Valentine's Day. No, I want to deal with the fact that, for whatever reason, this day makes me ill.

Perhaps it is the fact that I'm single. I hate being single. I look at my life and think "I'm turning 30 this year and I'm single...this sucks". I've tried dating services...those suck. I hate bars and I can't stand nightclubs: I like my hearing the way it is now and I can't stand the music. So I'm kind of at my wits end on how to deal with this whole "finding that special someone". I used to have a relationship...but I messed that up and it's been 5 years since it ended. You'd think I'd have been able to move on, but you'd be wrong. I think I've finally gotten over the whole situation, but I still miss her terribly to this day and will likely always. I digress...
So, I'm single and not happy about that nor about the fact that there doesn't seem to be any hope in the foreseeable future for this situation changing. Now I have to deal with seeing (and hearing) all these sappy commercials about what one should buy/do to show their love for their "special someone". That's really what I need, thanks. Just reinforce the fact that I'm single. Then, to top it all off, I have to see all these couples I know get all mushy and sentimental with each other...

People keep telling me that I'll meet the right person some day and it will be great and remarkable and...fuck. I'm tired of waiting. I'm getting older and the likelihood of finding a woman who is interested in the same things that I am aren't that great. It doesn't help that in all my social groups the population of available females is extremely low nor is it helped by the fact that I'm extremely shy and get very nervous around women I don't know. Also, I'm rather cautious when dealing with people...I hate offend or upset and therefore am very restrained and silent for the most part. I'd rather suffer the discomfort of not doing anything to avoid potentially hurting another person's feelings.

Wow...this is all over the place. As you can see, this is something that bothers me deeply. I'm not by nature a risk taker so there is very little left for me to try...at least in my perspective of things. Anyway, I hate this month and I hate Valentine's...

I've rambled on for enough today...

Silence

2005-02-03T13:11:00.000-07:00

It has been sometime since I've last spoken my mind...most of what is going on in my life right now is pretty boring ergo nothing worth posting. However, this will be changing in the near future. Unless, of course, I get sucked into the black hole known as "World of Warcraft" once I get it...
Do you know how hard it is to get a copy of that game? None of the stores have it and because of my work hours, by the time I can get to a place that might have it in their shipment coming in today, it won't be on the shelf when I get there. So, with all things being equal, I've broken down and placed an order directly to Blizzard for the game. Now I just have to wait....that's going to be fun. I own the game, but now have to wait up to 6 weeks before I can play it.
Anyway, I've been going through some of the poems I've written last year and am thinking about posting some of them for you the reader. If in fact anyone is reading this.
That's the other strange thing about this process...I've mentioned the site to some of my friends, but at this time don't really know if anyone is coming by and reading this stuff. Oh well...I'm not really sure what I'm expecting. I will just trudge ahead and see what comes.

Is English Dead?

2005-01-26T13:07:00.000-07:00

When I was taking my Bachelor of Arts several years ago, I had decided to major in English. In third year, we had to write an opinion paper explaining why we had decided to go into the field of study we'd chosen. At that time, having thought about it, I wrote my paper on why the English language was a form of art. I'm not going to re-write that paper here, but essentially I argued that English was always changing and evolving in better ways and so on and so forth. That was eight years ago. Having seen what has happened to English, both spoken and written, I shake my head and try not to cry.

I think the day I learned that the people at Oxford had actually added the word 'duh' to the dictionary, I knew the end was near. It's not a word for crying out loud! It is a sound! That's it! A fucking sound! Goo-goo is not in the dictionary, yet grownups say it and have been saying it far longer than Homer's been doing stupid things and it's not in the dictionary! At least not the last time I checked. Dada is also not in the dictionary nor is 'thpppt'.

Another thing that is driving me absolutely batty is the extensive use of anacronyms specifically in places like chat and forum rooms on the internet. People are writing sentences comprised of three character mumbo-jumbo and they call it communicating. I have a term for that: horse-shit! You're not communicating! God only knows what you're trying to do, but please stop now and learn how to write properly! Also, please read an actual book so you can see how the language is supposed to be used. What distresses me is that while in these chat rooms, I can type an actual sentence faster than these net-people who write gibberish and call it meaningful conversation. It makes my head hurt, it really does.

English as I once knew it seems to be going the way of the other dead languages. Perhaps it is the fact that English does change and evolve that is bringing about its own demise. I thought the language an art at one point in my life and now I see it being abused. I only hope that this abuse will end before our society becomes one of bullet-point, lack luster, expression slinging automatons.

I can only hope...

The Bottom Line

2005-01-23T18:00:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of hearing how much sports' stars and movie stars are getting paid these days. Specifically, are they really worth these strange and outlandish salaries? Why is it that we feel the need to pay these people millions of dollars a year (or per film)? Why are they so different from you or me?

This feeling of frustration started with the NHL lockout. I like hockey and was looking forward to another year of hoping against hope that my home team (the Oilers), might make it to the playoffs and beyond the first round. However, that ended when the League and the Players' Association could not come to agreement on the Collective Bargaining Agreement (CBA). Now, I will give the players the fact that they may not have a long career in the league...injury can take you out forever. Yet, there are things you can do when you can no longer work at one job; it's called get training in another field and get a job. There are players who are making well over a million dollars a season, and a season isn't a full year nor is it a regular work week. Now, I sat down and figured out how long it would take me to make a million dollars at my current salary: 30 YEARS! And the sick thing is, that doesn't take into account taxes or expenses that I have to pay. That's working 5 days a week, eight hours a day, for the next thirty years. And guys are making a million plus for six months of playing...PLAYING...a sport that supposedly they like and love to do. There was a time when I thought players played for the love of the game, but not today...it would appear that it's all about the figure on the bottom line.

So, you have hockey players who are being paid huge salaries and then you have Major League Baseball. I swear that organization must be a dream come true for some accountant somewhere. Explain to me why a player is worth more than the GNP of some Third World countries? In the NBA, there's a cap on salary, but even still, players can make multi-million dollars a year just through product endorsements alone. There's one kid, recently drafted, and hasn't started playing yet (at least last I heard), who is already getting millions in endorsements. What's up with that?

Actors...What makes an actor or actress worth millions? Just cause they can get in front of a camera and do a decent job at pretending to be someone else doesn't make them worth that much. Yet, we are willing to accept their salaries and continue to go watch their movies. Ever wonder why movie ticket prices have sky-rocketed over the last ten years? Part of it could be the budget of the films, but there are all those multi-million dollar contracts that have to be paid out as well. The only sympathy I have for the actors is the fact that we treat their private lives like crap...we don't let them have one. That, I find is reprehensible on our part...these are normal people like us.

So, now that I've ranted a bit on the torrid affairs of sport and actor salaries, I want to touch on the thing that set this whole thing off in my head...charity. Any time there is a major catastrophe, you always hear about how so-and-so has donated a million dollars to relief aid. This is where the problem begins. Now, I will concede that some stars have charities that they continually support and I have no problem with that. But the public attention that suddenly gets paid to who is giving money to what charity or who has announced that they're donating to the relief fund for the disaster of the month is a bit too much. I think many of these celebrities (Sports, Actors, Musicians, politicians) have too much money if they can just casually toss a million dollars to a charity. It's nice that the charity gets that infusion, but why does it have to be once in a while. What is preventing this people from actually taking some of that money and putting it towards ensuring that proper socio-economical programs are implemented to bring about the necessary changes to make the World a happier place?

I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix the problems out there, but then again, would I be making the world a better place, or just a better place according to Dave? Perhaps I'm just grumpy that I'm not being paid more or that there is no hockey to watch this season. All I know is apparently the way our society works is whether you're in the red or in the black.

To Err is Human...?

2005-01-21T19:00:00.000-07:00

They say 'to err is human, to forgive is divine'...

With that thought in your head, here's a question for you. Can you admit that you've made mistakes? Recently? Now, if you can admit that, can you admit that perhaps you may have hurt another person's feelings with your mistake? Assume that answer is yes. Okay, so you've done something wrong and have hurt another person, have you apologized to this person? No? Why not? You'll have to answer that one as I can't answer it for you.

It would seem that we are all very good at being self-righteous in our dealings with other people. I know it's a flaw of mine and I've seen it from other people around me. We humans are quick to judge the actions and ideas of others to our own perceptions without thought or hesitation. There is no care for the situation or the past. If you don't believe what I believe, then well you're wrong and are going to go to hell!

Perhaps this is why I tend to remain quiet at gatherings and social outings. I don't like to offend or upset people around me therefore I simply watch to see what is acceptable behaviour. Even then, I stay quiet, rarely venturing an opinion on topics. Which is a shame as, deep down, I want to discuss things with friends and colleagues, but there is the looming shadow of the "How dare you question what I say?" I know I succumb to this flaw...I've got a stubborn streak a mile wide and will not give ground on certain subjects, but I think that is where I differ from some people. I realize that I have this and therefore make attempts to work around it when with people. I haven't always been successful and I can think of a couple of situations where I've completely failed in this endeavour in my life.

If there was a concrete point to this whole thing, I think I've lost it and right now am just rambling about relationships. Anyway, it frustrates me to see good friends throwing curses at each other over opinions and perceptions. Everyone is going to have an opinion on something and no two people will see a situation in the same light. By no means am I a psychologist (or therapist), but if we could realize that others may believe differently, and strongly, about certain topics, we might be able to broach these topics with the sensitivity and civility that are required.

Might be too much to wish for, but I can always hope

An Update on My Physical Well-Being

2005-01-19T13:14:00.000-07:00

So, on Monday, I finally went to the doctor's to find out what was up with my nose. Turns out I have an ulcer in my nose. So now, I have to apply an ointment three times a day. Fun.

Now, when I went in on Monday, my eyes were bothering me, but I figured having only gotten 5 hours of sleep that night, I was due for some discomfort. Instead of saying anything when I was in on Monday, I simply grabbed my medication and went home in the vain attempt to sleep the irritation off. After a couple of hours, I woke up and could barely open my eyes do to the stinging pain. At least I was able to call up my buddies and tell them I wouldn't be making it to the game that night. So, come Tuesday morning, my eyes are worse and I'm not feeling all that well. I call in sick to work and then call my doctor's. The receptionist commented on the fact that I had just been in the other day and I had to sheepishly nod my head and feel emberassed. So I go down and doc looks at my eyes and says they don't look great and that I have an infection in both eyes. I had kind of figured that one out before coming in, but needing medication for the problem I had to go through the whole process...should have mentioned it on Monday.

So, the cold I got last week has managed to, without becoming anything more serious than a cold, cause an ulcer to develop on the inside of my nose and cause an infection in both eyes. The lesson I learned...trust natural intuition and see the doctor sooner.

Lazy Weekend

2005-01-17T11:40:00.000-07:00

I need to stop writing up lists of things to do cause I never get to them. I have this problem where I look at my life and see what I need to do and in most cases even know how to do these things. Unfortunately, I succumb to the siren's call of procrastination. Why do it now? There's plenty of time to do it later...Then later comes around and I'm busy doing something else.

A few days ago I decided I should write out a list of things I should do to get my life back on track, as it were. Put some order in it and generally take better care of myself. So I have this wonderful list of things I know I need to take care of to get on the path of a well balanced life. Unfortunately, that's all I have...a list. I think I can say I didn't think about this list (let alone even look at it) while I was sitting around the house this weekend. And I didn't even sleep in that late this weekend. That's another problem I have, but I'll save that for another day.

So, what can I do? I guess the first thing I can do is find a starting point and move from there. Instead of looking at everything, I could look at the smaller picture first and expand from there. That would be a start, but that's where I have my problems. Starting. Once I get started, I will generally see the task through to the end (unless of course it has to do with writing a story...another bad habit of mine).

Guess I'll find a one thing on the list that isn't 'big' and proceed from there. Start small...work to the big. Makes sense...

On an un-related topic, I'm off to see the doctor this afternoon as this cold I have is not a normal cold. Hopefully it isn't some strange exotic disease that I've let go for too long. Now there's a depressing thought. Oh well.

Too Cold

2005-01-14T11:26:00.000-07:00

I think bears have the right idea...cold weather coming, time to pack it up and go to sleep for a couple of months. I wouldn't have minded being able to do that the past week. I realize that we live in a cold climate, but I would like to think that employers would be kind enough to say, "You know what, it's -30 C today...we'll not open today." A bit too optimistic? Perhaps.

One of my co-workers, who grew up in Scotland and England, was saying that when England hits -20 C, everything shuts down. Businesses and everything close up. Mind you, they rarely hit that temperature on a regular basis. Here, it's almost like we don't consider it officially winter until it's so cold that you can feel the air in your lungs crystalizing.

Another reason why I think we should join the bears and hibernate is there is nothing worse than getting a bad cold when it's frickin' cold. Part way into this week, I woke up feeling just fine, except for seriously stuffed up nose. I hate sinus colds. Despite being ill, I didn't feel too bad...that was until yesterday. It must have happened while I was asleep cause I obviously missed the meeting, but my sinus cold decided to let me breathe a little more easily as it moved into my throat. Now swallowing is painful, as is coughing, and sneezing. Thankfully, I don't have a cough yet, but due to my nose cold, I do have sneezing bouts and damn that hurts right now. It feels like I have something pressing in on my throat and as that is where most of the movement occurs when swallowing, sneezing, and yawning things are a bit tender and painful at the moment.

I should, perhaps, go see my doctor about this...I did have a sinus infection only a couple of months ago. I'll see what happens over the weekend.

Step Away From The Vehicle!

2005-01-12T13:14:00.000-07:00

Let's see...stupid drivers. Is it just me, or are the majority of those who drive vision-impaired? What is it about having to go over the speed limit? It's called a limit for a reason! Now, I will admit, there are some areas in the city where the speed limit might be a little slow, but the lawmakers in our city have decided what the maximum allowed speeds in the city are. I would like to think that I'm a law abiding citizen for the most part so when I see that the maximum speed limit is 50 km/h, I will drive at 50 km/h, conditions permitting. Yet, for some reason, I seem to be in the minority in this practice as the number of people who think 50 means 60 (or even 70) is rather vast.

Now, those going over the speed limit are somewhat frustrating, but then there are those who think the posted speed limit is too fast. You know the people I'm talking about. The ones that go 30 in a 50 zone (or even worse, 30 in a 60 zone). I've seen it! And it is frustrating as all get out. I once heard that you never really know how to swear until you drive...well, it's true!

Given the weather we get up here, there are times where you have to go slower than the speed limit and I have no problem with that. I'd rather be safe and secure than sitting in a wrecked car when it's -30 C outside. But there is a time and place for slow driving. When the roads are good and the weather clear, please feel free to drive the speed limit.

Another thing that drives me absolutely batty are those people who refuse to use their signalling lights. The amount of effort and time it takes to indicate which way you're turning is so minimal it's a joke. You know you're turning left up ahead, turn on your left signal light. Please! Be a little more considerate when you drive. You are not the only one out there and you sure as hell do not own the road. And don't turn you signal light on after you've started to commit to a turn! That just smacks of a certain amount of arrogance and/or ignorance. I will make allowance for the fact that, from time to time you might be pre-occupied with something else...however, there are other people on the road as well. Pay more attention to what's happening around you than what you're going to be buying at the local 7-11! A signal light is not an optional feature that was installed on your vehicle because the company thought you might like the ability to flash blinking lights at other cars...signal lights are a courtesy to other drivers as you're telling everyone "Look, I'm about to turn left up ahead (or right)". So, in short, use the fricking signal light that was installed in your vehicle! There should be a fine or public whipping for those who habitually 'forget' their signal lights.

SUV and huge-ass pick-up trucks...there's a lot that I'd like to say about these vehicles. The first one being, why the hell do you need an SUV to drive around the city? What's up with that? If you're not going cross-country, and I mean off-road through the woods and bogs, then forget it! You don't need one of these stupid vehicles. I know, I used to drive one many years ago. This vehicles are not safe and should not be allowed on city roads. Aside from the amount of gas these things burn through, they're a hazard to all of us car drivers out there. And this is where you big pickup come in as well. Ever notice how the bumpers of SUVs and some pickups rest at chest level on those who drive cars? Don't you find that a little disconcerting? I know I do. At least if another car hits me on the side, the impact will be from the hip down. Get hit by one of these SUVs or trucks, you'd be lucky to keep your head. Get rid of these vehicles from city roads please!

The only thing I want is for people to drive responsibly and courtesously. Just because you're inside a metal/glass container does not cut you off from the rest of the world. There are thousands of these things driving around all the time. Watch out and think about what you're doing. Drive smart. Driving is not a right it is a privelage; treat it as such. Do not be a traffic monkey.

The Curse of Technology

2005-01-11T13:20:00.000-07:00

Recently, I've spent much of my time rebuilding my computer's hard drive. I would like to thank a computer virus for wasting my time. As I sat watching the various install progress bars dancing across my monitor, I started thinking about how inconvienent technology has become. How dependent have we really become on technology? When one of our servers at work went down the other day, everyone left their desks cause they couldn't access files and programs. I overheard one person stating they had a bunch of phone calls to make, but couldn't now. Why the hell not? As far as I know, people are still capable of writing things on paper...make the calls (our server doesn't control our phone system last time I checked), and we still have paper and pens (even pencils) at our desks; write stuff down and then when the server is back up, enter in the info.

I remember when everyone started looking forward to the paperless work environment. What with computers, e-mails, and all of this new fangle technology, we'd be set! There's a load of crap. I've seen more forests go through our workplace than I've seen out in the countryside, and we're a smaller company. I'd hate to see the amount of paper a corporation like Time-Warner generates.

The further problem with tech is, once you've had it, you can't let it go. When the house lost connection to the internet on the weekend, I went into a slight panic: no e-mail, no browsing the internet...yet I remember a time when I was content and happy without the internet and all the hassles that being online entails. I know I'm also a victim of the computer...the moment we got a computer in the house when I was growing up, I had a hard time doing anything but sitting at the keyboard and playing various games. When something goes wrong with my computer, I really get ticked off...I think I have a slight understanding now of how a junkie feels when they're coming off a high. I need my fix!!

Damn technology...it has helped us out to a great extent, but every now and then, when I'm not enthralled by moving images and ambient sounds, I wonder what exactly is the price we're paying for all of this supposed freedom?

Oh well.

A Messy Situation

2005-01-10T13:25:00.000-07:00

I've been watching how the World has come together to send aid to all those nations that have been affected by the tsnaumi and I find myself feeling a little ill and I'll tell you why.

Now, don't get me wrong, I think it is nice to see the out-pouring of aid, both financially and with the sending of emergency response crews to these locations. I admire the fact that the World Community is willing to put aside politics to aid those in need. But this is where my problem is...why are all of these countries spending millions of dollars to aid some other nation when there are so many problems in their own nations that are still left unresolved?

Let's look at my home country, Canada, for example. We have a homeless problem, that would likely be resolved with aid from both our Provincial and Federal Governments. Yet, nothing seems to be getting done about this. Here in Edmonton, the city has raised over a $1 million in funds for the Red Cross Tsnaumi Relief Aid, yet nothing for the homeless.

The States have it much worse than we do in Canada, but still, shouldn't countries be looking after their own people first? Fix the problems that are in house first and then look outside.

I think the one other thing that puts a slightly sour taste in my mouth is, the majority of these countries that were devastated were Third World Countries with very little, many surviving upon tourism. Why were we not helping them out before hand? Perhaps, if they had not been in such poor straights in the first place the devastation we are now seeing would not have been so horrific? Of course, I could be wrong.

Greetings

2005-01-06T21:20:00.000-07:00

As this is the start of the new year, I figured I would give this 'blog' thing a try. So here I am. This isn't much of a first post, but the year is new and we'll see what happens in the days to come.